MONDO EXTRAS

Everyone moves to their seats. Alex is freaking for real now, even though he could use his lips as a flotation device in the event of a water landing. Blather between Rothbale and the betties and whether they can trade seats with him to sit next to each other; he lies that he can't trade because he has a UTI. They ask Alex instead; Rothbale gestures at him to say no so that they can each sit with a betty (I guess -- whatever, who cares), but he says yes. Alex moves into his seat next to Rothbale, wondering if Rothbale really thought he could "titty-fuck" one of the betties "over Greenland." Thanks for that, Lippy the Pinhead. The tray table falls open, and when Alex tries to put it back up, the little widget that holds it in place comes off in his hand, so he rings the stewardess bell. Rothbale bitches. Hitchcock gets on the plane late. Alex stares all intensely at the emergency procedures card. The flight attendants prepare for departure. Rain streaks Alex's window. He stares at the wing. Then a creature jumps up next to his window, and he starts screaming and babbling and a little kid takes his picture with her -- oh, wrong movie. Alex just hyperventilates. The plane taxis. Rain streaks. French teacher blah blah blah poisson-cakes. The students cheer. Hitchcock eats pretzel knobs. The plane lifts, with much ominous rattling and clanking, and everyone looks tense and pale, and then the plane settles and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Then there's a shearing sound and the lights blink on and off. Clanking. Rattling. The plane pitches and rolls. Hitchcock's pretzel knobs fall into the aisle. Everyone's screaming and clutching at each other. The oxygen masks drop down. More screaming. Instrument panels falling off. Sparks. Fuselage coming off; students getting sucked out of the plane. The pretzel knobs getting sucked out of the plane. Deceleration towards the ground. A fireball cooks Alex.

Then Alex awakens to find the betties asking him again if they can trade seats with him so they can sit next to each other. Oooh, very sneaky. If I hadn't seen the previews and known that Alex lived, anyway. Which I had. And did. Alex, gasping for air (a piece of the scenery must have gotten caught in his throat), scrambles over them and into his seat next to Rothbale, and he pulls on the tray table doodad and it comes off. He stands there, staring at it and huffing, and Kerr asks what's his problem, and the French teacher gets in on the act, as well as a dork-ass male flight attendant who looks like Agent Smith from The Matrix but with longer hair, and Alex wigs and shrieks that "the fucking plane's gonna explode," and Kerr tells him to shut up, and so does Candies, and Rothbale tells him to chill, and Alex is yelling that it's not a joke and blah bling blah so Kerr gets up and punches him in the face, and someone else squalls, "Everybody in the aisles, off the plane!" In a nutshell, Alex, Kerr, Candies, Hitchcock (arriving late again), and Sassy Teacher all get booted off the plane, along with the French teacher and Rothbale, whom Brendan sends after them to make sure Alex is okay. Brown Ali stares after Alex, then grabs her stuff and follows them too.