Episode Report CardSars: D+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The things I do for you people. After a good seven and a half hours of previews -- and the craptastic preview for Lost Souls not only sucked the soul right out of my body but took up a good five of those hours -- we finally begin our feature presentation. Lightning. Droplets on a window. Hanging figurines. Ominous strings. Ominous oscillating fan from Restoration Hardware. OH MY GOD, IT'S A PASSPORT! And a plane ticket. More ominous strings. More ominous oscillating fan. Air France plane tickets. A hand takes a France travel book off a bookshelf, and Death of a Salesman tips over. DEATH! OMIGOD! Oh, ominous fan, stop thine oscillating, for thou scarest me, boding as thou art a skillet in my future! Pictures of death from the travel book. Fan. Strings. Fan. More fan. That fan had better kill somebody in this movie or I'll have to ask for a refund. Pages turning. Death pages, DEATH FAN! The pages flip open and rest on a page with "THIS IS THE END" scrawled on it in red; fade out so that only the writing remains. Oh, I am so scared…scared that it's a Jim Morrison bio-pic. Mom comes in to introduce us to Alex, the superstitious main character. Mom blah nag blah. A giant Pecker poster hanging on the wall signifies how much, and what, this movie sucks. Dad comes in to blah suitcase blah. Alex warns Mom away from tearing the old adhesive tag off the suitcase, because it's good luck, because the last plane didn't crash, because blah. We all saw the trailers. Just get on the damn plane already so that you can get off and start cheating death. Or, you know, whatever. Mom calls that a "nutball idea" and tears off the tag in helpful slo-mo. Off-screen, a PA holds up The Cue Card Of Doomsaying Exposition, and Dad hits his mark: "Seventeen, on the loose, senior trip with your friends in Paris, ten days in the springtime. Live it up, Alex -- you got your whole life ahead of you." Dad also gives this line the weirdest reading ever. No wonder he does shite like Secret Cutting. Alex stares at him all "do you know WHAT YOU JUST SAID?" After a month of Sundays, the director yells, "Cut!" Nighttime. Ominous crickets. Ominous breeze. Faint sounds of a girl calling, "Alex?" Ominous fan is, ominously, silent. Alex tosses and turns ominously. Dumb clock/departure board melt to the airport. The school's bus is unloading at the curb, and here's Kerr "Scared Straight" Smith with a bitty little blonde girl who belongs in a Candies ad. They lug their bags. Clowning around with the asshole guy from American Pie, known as "Hitchcock" in this movie. Hmmm. "Hitchcock." You know, as hard as I try, I just don't get that. ["Actually, a bunch of the characters' names are really transparent 'homages' to greater personages in horror films. One character's 'Tod,' another's last name is 'Browning,' after Freaks director Tod Browning. There's a Chaney (after Lon) and a Murnau (after F.W.), a Waggner (after B-movie director George), a Lewton (after fellow B-movie director Val), and, just in case you still didn't get it, one dude's actually called Bludworth. Subtlety, thy name is not James Wong, nor Glen Morgan, nor Jeffrey Reddick. And I promise you that, in sixty years, no one will be naming any of their B-movie characters after any of your asses." -- Wing Chun]