Episode Report CardSars: D+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Alex flounders away from the canoe. Shot of police vehicles as Alex runs through the woods. He crosses the road in front of the cop cars, and the law enforcement guys give chase through the underbrush. "Alex! We're! Trying! To help! You!" Henchguy calls out, waving a Clean & Clear facial cleansing pad like a little white flag. Okay, he doesn't. But someone should. Brown Ali yells at the dog to get away from the power line. The line whips over to the little spiderweb-shaped clothes-drying…thingie…and drives it into the ground right beside Brown Ali's head. She staggers up and tries to let the dog off the chain. In the woods, Alex runs. The officers run. Alex tumbles into a crevasse, and his lips almost get impaled on a twig. A ripple of fear crosses said lips, which have swollen with fear to Erik-Michael Estrada proportions. Brown Ali. Above-ground pool, bursting. Dog, barking. Brown Ali, "afraid." Power line, padding its Academy Award reel. Sparks. Whipping noises. Gasping Brown Ali hurling herself at a rose trellis; dog almost getting fricasseed. The whipping stops. The dog runs into the bushes. The power line goes in another direction. Woods. More lightning. More running. More lips. A branch falls on Alex and pushes his head into a puddle. I drop my ginger snap to applaud the branch, which has answered my prayers by burying Alex's pizza face and moon-jump lips in six inches of muddy water. The officers can't find him. "Oh shit," grumps Henchguy, in a meta-statement about the movie. Brown Ali climbs the trellis. Climb, Brown Ali, climb! The power line chews the scenery, literally. Brown Ali nearly falls off the house like ten times. Alex. Puddle. Devon Sawa's agent bribes the puddle, and it lets Alex go. Gasping. Dripping. Brown Ali climbs some more. The non-suspense is killing me. She breaks into her own house, inches ahead of the madding power line. Sparks. Falling down stairs. Fuses bursting. She runs into the garage and dives into the car, but the garage-door opener won't work because of the power outage. Duh, Brown Ali. But that's a good thing, supposedly, because the power line is yawing about just outside the garage. Brown Ali starts the car and throws it into reverse and blazes right through the door, and the garage-door-opener mechanism thingie falls from the ceiling off the garage and smashes the windshield, and Brown Ali screams all Clan Of The Cave Bear, "EEEEEEEEuhhhh!" She keeps revving the engine, but the shaft of metal has the car pinned in place, and she can't move. "Eurrrrguuuhhh!" Then a canister of oil falls onto the floor of the garage and starts spilling everywhere. Of course.