Dawson's Creek
Final Destination

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Sars: D+ | Grade It Now!
Final Destination
Alex runs into the yard and sees the power line doing its dance of death. Okay, it's not a dance, really, but how many times can I use the word "whipping"? It doesn't even look like a word anymore, that's how many times I've typed it. Anyway, Alex runs around the side of the water. Brown Ali gets free of the shaft (heh) and powers down the driveway, but the power line hits the hood and kills the battery…I guess. It's sort of unclear what happens here, and if I can get a show of hands of people who care…? Right, thought not. Anyway, Brown Ali is surrounded by sparks and leaking fuel and Alex's lips, which tell her not to move because she's grounded by the tires. "Heeeeuhhhhh," Brown Ali says, and shows her bottom teeth to let us know she's crying. Alex faces off against the power line with a shovel lying handily nearby. He swings like a girl, by the way. He whips the line away. It flaps about. The fuel catches fire. "Huh huh uhhhhh," Brown Ali says. Everything's on fire. "I can only hold on for so long, you know what to do," Alex says. "Don't!" Brown Ali wails. I guess he has to grab the power line so that he can die and the design gets stymied or some shit like that. "Don't!" "I'm not gonna let it beat us both!" Brown Ali's teeth gleam in the firelight. "I'll always be with you," Alex says, his lips shimmering blubber-esquely. He moves towards the power line. Henchguy pulls up with the other cops in tow: "Alex! Get away from there! Your lips will ground you anyway, so don't bother!" "Noo-uuuuuu-gahahhhhhh," Brown Ali keens. Alex grabs the power line. The car blows up, throwing Brown Ali into the bushes and shooting Alex…somewhere. The power line goes dead. Brown Ali runs to Alex, who's scorched and steaming. ["Can he hear women's thoughts now, or am I thinking of another shitty movie?" -- Wing Chun] She babytalks to him until the law enforcement folk shove her out of the way. Henchguy starts doing CPR on Alex. Distant sirens. Sad cello. Bored Sars. Long, blue-lit hallway. It's a jetway. A title card reads, "SIX MONTHS LATER," and we see Kerr, Brown Ali (who's now blonde again), and non-chicken-fried Alex deboarding a plane. They can't believe they made it. They can't believe they got on a plane. I can't believe they didn't make Alex check his lips. Paris. At a café, they wrap up the loose ends in the most disorganized and boring fashion possible, blathering on about the design and "it's weird being here" and puzzles, and they toast to Paris and Rothbale and all their "friends that can't be here." Kerr admits that "it was a design," and crows that they beat it. Alex and Non-Brown Brown Ali hold hands. Alex gets out the seating plan and goes on about the order of their deaths; the other two want him to let it go. Alex's large, blubbery, red, butt-ugly lips keep moving. Non-Brown Brown Ali calls bullshit on him again, asking how he knows that they got the right design. Kerr says it could come back and get them all again. A busker sings the John Denver song. Meathooks. A rolling metal pipe. Alex spills wine on the seating chart. He jumps up and wants to go back to the hotel and tells Non-Brown Brown Ali to stay there; she wants to come with, but he says no and heads out. Non-Brown Brown Ali sees a bus reflected in the window and screams, "Alllllaaaayyyxxx!" Alex dodges the bus. It knocks over a fruit cart. Roger Ebert nods approvingly. The bus knocks over a street sign, which whacks into a lighted sign for the café. Quick shot of Alex's massive lips parted in terror ("Alllllaaaayyyxxx!"), then back to the sign disintegrating and swinging towards Alex, and as it arcs past their table, Kerr tackles Alex and saves him. Kerr jumps up and yells, "I told you you were next!" "Then it just skipped me," gasps Alex. "So who's next?" Kerr says. Dolt. Oh, hello, sign. Kuh-LANG! Au revoir, Kerr. Credits.

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Dawson's Creek




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