Dawson's Creek
Final Destination

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Sars: D+ | Grade It Now!
Final Destination
Quick shot of Ali "The Cream Doesn't Always Rise To The Top" Larter, now kitted out in brown hair and frumpy bangs so we know she's alternative or unpopular or something. Oh, who cares. Keep panning along to Alex and his scrawny buddy, who looks like a cross between Tim Roth and Christian Bale and who's macking on some supposedly-foxy-but-not-all-that betties. Rothbale's dad pops up to ask if Rothbale and his brother -- played by Brendan Fehr, and the casting director needs to get off the rock because these two look nothing alike -- if they've got everything. The French teacher blah blah blah. Mr. Rothbale gives Brendan money blah. Harrison Ford comes running up to Brendan Fehr screaming about how he trademarked that haircut blah. On the escalator inside, a bit of sibling blah blah with Rothbale and Brendan. Milling about. French teacher blah blah Pepe le Blah. Kerr wises off. Candies hits his well-defined pec. A Hare Krishna type hands Alex a flyer, saying, "Death is not the end." But oh how I long for it, only five minutes into the film. A sassy teacher tells him, "It will be for you if you harass my students," and sneers at the Hare Krishna type while herding Alex away. Checking in, Alex gets distracted by the bird-wing-flapping-esque clicking of the departures board. He stares at it, transfixed. Back-and-forth with the ticket agent. Close-up of the adhesive tag as the agent affixes it to his bag. Whatever. Get on the damn plane, people. The ticket agent says that his departure time, 9:25, is the same as his birthday, September 25th. Alex looks horrified. Hey…departure time? Does that…mean something? Nah, probably not. Alex stares at the word "TERMINAL" on the departures board. Hmmm. Do I get that? Do I? No, I don't think I do. Yet. Ow. Ow. The students mill around the gate in their Abercrombie & Feeyotch clothing. Hitchcock dorks out. Kerr shoves him. Rothbale and Brendan shove each other; Sassy Teacher separates them. Candies mounts Kerr in her skin-tight white capris and ringletty hair with the bitty little pink butterfly clips. Brown Ali sits down but drops her book, and Alex picks it up for her; when she opens it, it's to a photo of Princess Diana's death car. Brown Ali glares at Alex. Yeah, way to kill Princess Di, Alex. The world mourns, Alex! MOURNS. Alex goes to look at their plane, parked outside, and a ghostly reflection of him floats near it in the window. Rothbale comes up to share his non-mack non-daddy theory about taking a crap before boarding the plane, and how they don't want to take a crap on the plane and then come out of the bathroom to find the two betties from earlier waiting in line and knowing that they took a crap. Hey, Rothbale? You're, like, five foot three and your hair is bigger than your dick. The knowledge that you took a crap is not going to make the difference here. Also, cram it.

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Dawson's Creek




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