Dawson's Creek
Final Destination

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Sars: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Final Destination
So they break into the funeral parlor via a skylight. No, they really do. Brown Ali says it gives her a rush. Please -- nothing in this movie could give anyone a rush. They see Rothbale's corpse, all made up for the viewing. An unfunny Michael Jackson comment is made. Then Rothbale's arm twitches, and Brown Ali and Alex jump, and the mortician appears to deliver a speech on death and interfering with death's plan and "in death, there are no accidents, no coincidences, no missteps and no mistakes," and he blathers on and on and on instead of just calling the cops on Brown Ali and Alex's asses. ["And the mortician is played by the same dude who played Candyman!" -- Wing Chun] ["Mmm. Candy." -- Sars] Alex wants to know more about the design and asks if they can cheat death. The mortician says that they've already cheated death; now death has a new design for all of them. And for me. Specifically, boredom so severe as to cause a shutdown of major bodily functions. The mortician finishes his speech with, "And you don't even want to fuck with that mack daddy," and yanks some tool out of Rothbale's neck. Alex and Brown Ali scramble out. The mortician flosses bits of scenery out of his teeth. At coffee the next day, Alex and Brown Ali discuss the design. Alex shows Brown Ali the scrap of paper with "Tod" on it and says it's a sign. Brown Ali calls bullshit. Alex sees a bus passing in a shop window, but it's only a reflection -- when he turns around, no bus. Brown Ali blathers on. Alex keeps yammering on about death and how they messed up the design and blah blah blah. Kerr spots the two of them as he drives past in his meathead muscle car, sets his jaw, and pulls an illegal U-turn, accidentally hitting Hitchcock, who falls off his bike but doesn't die. Candies bitches at Kerr. Kerr gets out and stomps over to Alex and Brown Ali and says something about a "reunion," and Sassy comes out of the coffee shop and Kerr leers at her, and Alex gets up and says they all have to talk about what he's discovered about the design, and Kerr blames Alex for the fact that Sassy's moving out of town. Sassy looks fragile. Kerr yells some more. Alex blathers some more. Candies bitches at Kerr some more: "They died, and we lived! Get over it!" She's moving on, and if he wants to waste his life beating on Alex, then he can "drop fucking dead." She's mid-stomp out of there when a bus hits her, spattering the others with blood. Kerr, kitted out in swoosh-wear and that dope-rope chain from earlier, doesn't even flinch. Alex's lips flap blubberily. Sassy does her best Piper Laurie: "Woo HA haaa huh." They all stand around with blood droplets on their faces for about a year and a half. Finally, the director says, "Cut!" I put in my dentures and eat another cookie.

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Dawson's Creek

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