Wow, have I procrastinated, writing this recap. Instead of working on it, I ate a sandwich. I addressed my Christmas cards. I sang the opening number of Cabaret. I watched Bring It On. Three times. Yeah, this episode was bad. Real. Bad. On the other hand, there was no Dawson. At all! How painful can it really be? I know, famous last words.
A full moon shines on Grams's Boston manse. Joey, Jack, and Pacey let themselves inside, shedding their outerwear as they go, and complaining vigorously about the movie they've just seen. "I have now officially lost my faith in Hollywood," Pacey announces. "It wasn't that bad," Jack says. Pacey retorts that it might not have been that bad "through the haze of [Jack's] ear-drum shattering slumber," but "as someone who watched that movie, it sucked!" The threesome wander into the dining room and sit at the table, as Joey, looking very pretty in a red long-sleeved tee, complains that she's "so tired" of the "Insert Your Vengeful Psycho Here Movie." She thinks they're too unrealistic. Because Dawson's Creek is on the forefront of realism in television, dontcha know? "You know what the problem is?" Jack asks. Got a sec? Because I have this list, somewhere…Pacey responds that the problem is that Jack "talks in [his] sleep, and [he] talks about things [Pacey] doesn't want to know about." Jack snorts dismissively and explains that the problem is that "people forget that the scariest things are things that are actually possible." That's why Hitchcock is so great, he says. Joey points out that people don't go around dressing like their long-dead and poorly embalmed mothers every day. "Well, you save that for special occasions," Pacey snarks. "Maybe I've just lost the will to scream," Joey says. Oh, dear God. We get it. It's all meta. They were all in bad slasher flicks (Katie Holmes in Disturbing Behavior and Teaching Mrs. Tingle, Joshua Jackson in The Skulls and Urban Legend AND Gossip AND Apt Pupil, like, get a new agent, Josh, and Kerr Smith was in that movie with the airplane, the name of which I can't -- Final Destination. And Kevin Williamson writes, like, exclusively bad teen slasher pics, the original Scream notwithstanding, because that one was pretty good). This episode would have been relevant and fresh in, like, 1998. "Oh please," Pacey chuckles, "you were once and will forever remain the number one skittish kitten in my life." Joey shoots him a dirty look. "Not to worry. It's part of your charm," he assures her. Jack snorts, and reminds Pacey that he, Pacey, was "scared of Grams" until just recently. Pacey comments that Jack must be scared constantly, living with her and all. Jack agrees, in a very, very poor British accent, at he "never [knows] what might be lurking in the shadows." Joey rolls her eyes and gets up from the table, wondering who else is hungry. "A girl can't survive on Dots alone," she says. Even if she looks like it.
Joey wanders, alone, into the kitchen as Scary Music plays on the soundtrack, and the house is suddenly all dark and the back door blows open and someone turns on a fog machine. Jesus. Seriously, God? Hi. Yeah, I know this is a pretty minor request, what with all the hungry people in the world, and, like, the war and all, but if there was some way for you to make it so that I only have to deal with a fog machine and Ominous Music Of Imminent Danger once a week, I would really appreciate it. I mean, it's okay if you mix it up, sometimes. I don't care if Dawson's is all Pseudo-Scary, as long as The X-Files is about, like, Scully's struggle with the heartbreak of psoriasis, or something, but recapping two shows about fog in one week is hard. Thanks. Also, I'm still waiting for that pony. Anyway, Joey is all, "Very funny, guys. I'm shaking in my boots." A red handball ball bounces down the stairs and out the open back door. The fog swirls. The music wails. Joey steps outside and picks up the ball. "What? Is this the part where the twins come out and invite me to play forever and ever?" We should be so lucky, really, but if you want to be technical about it, in order for that to be an accurate homage, Joey would need to be riding her Big Wheel, not picking up a ball. ["Unless it's an homage to The Changeling, which I doubt, since that's actually a good horror movie." -- Sars] Naturally, at this moment, the back door slams in her face, magically locking her outside. Joey rattles the doorknob. A hand lands on her shoulder, and she whirls around, screaming, as the door swings open and she falls backwards into Jack. Jack and Pacey laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh! "I think our work here is done," Pacey announces. Joey grabs the ball back from Jack and glares. Pacey says something unintelligible.