Props, now and forever, to the lovely and talented Sars.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Andie observed that Pacey and Joey had become good friends recently, and Joey admitted that he is a doofus, but that he has his moments. Jen told Jack that he was lonely for a relationship, and Jack said that whether or not that was true, he's still the only gay person in Capeside. Dawson told Joey that if they were meant to be together, they'd find their way back to each other. Pacey suggested that he and Jen attempt no-strings-attached casual sex.
Fade up on the Sanctum Dawsonorum, only -- for once -- Dawson himself isn't there watching whatever old movie is being strip-mined for its intertextual ore. Instead, Jen "Bang 'er and Mash" Lindley and Pacey "Getting Improbably Lucky" Witter are on the bed, making out. They break and stare at each other for a beat, until Jen says, "Nothing?" and Pacey agrees, "Nothing! Ugh! You?" She says she feels nothing too, and as the director switches to CeilingCam (the better to tastefully capture the image of Jen literally getting a leg over), Jen says, "This is weird." Pacey says that "it's the damnedest thing. I mean, how are we supposed to have some lurid, purely sexual affair if every time we get together --" "There's no sexual tension," Jen concludes. They assure each other simultaneously, "It's not you -- it's me," and then laugh. They note that they both have respectable sexual track records, and that they've come prepared today (as Pacey produces a condom from his breast pocket), and "picked the perfect locale" (Dawson's bedroom is "the perfect locale"? Cree. Pee). Pacey elucidates that its perfection is based on Dawson's and the Flash's guaranteed absence, since they're both at school, and the fact that Dawson's window is always open. Yeah, but...still. Jen says, "Grams always said that that ladder was an invitation to sin." They start kissing again, then stop and sigh. Jen suggests that they "give it a week" to see if the "sexual spark" can be made to flicker again. Pacey makes a pained noise. They start to put on their shoes, and immediately hear a door slam downstairs. Jen makes it out the window, but Pacey, wearing only one of his shoes and hearing footsteps approach, dives for a Playstation controller just in time for Dawson "Ridley Not" Leery to open the door and ask what Pacey is doing there. Pacey says, "I'm enjoying a spirited game of the fantastic and supremely challenging Sony Playstation game, Crash Bandicoot -- exclusively for the Playstation, by Sony." He asks what Dawson is doing home in the middle of the day; Dawson says he had a dentist appointment and came back to get his books. Pacey casually asks if he has any cavities. Dawson says no, and asks how Pacey got into his room. Evasively, Pacey asks if the clock on the VCR is correct, because if it is, he has to get back to school. Dawson asks if Pacey isn't forgetting something. Pacey says he doesn't think he is. Dawson points out that he's leaving wearing only one shoe. Ah, there's that non-comic non-relief we all know and love. Except for the "love" part. Cue Paula Cole's armpits.
Please don't show me your Tommy. I'm serious.