Dawson's Creek
Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road

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Jessica: B- | 1 USERS: A+
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Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road

Grams comes around the corner, asking Jen if she got the door. She stops short when she sees Diana Fowley. "Helen," she says. "Nice alias," the Scully mutters. "What are you doing here?" Grams asks. "She's here to kidnap you and deliver you to the government for mysterious experiments on your ovaries," the Mulder says. Helen claims that Jen called and asked her to come. "I was so shocked, I could hardly say no," she says. There's some business about taking her bags upstairs, and Grams tells her daughter that she'll be up in a mo to get her settled in. As Helen tromps up the stairs, Grams grabs Jen by the elbow and drags her toward the kitchen. "I know, you're worried we won't have enough food for dinner, but actually, I've already taken care of that," Jen yammers. "Don't pull your speed-talking technique on me." Grams says. And that's totally a shout-out, since I say that about Jen all the time. Hi, writers! I don't mean to be so rude to you all the time. It's in my contract! Grams demands to know the dilly-o. "I specifically told you I did not want Helen to know I have…cancer," she says, whispering that last bit, as people of a certain mindset tend to do. "Cancer," Jen repeats, loudly, and giving Grams a martyred look. Grams can't believe that Jen had the nerve to tell Helen that she has The Big Casino. "I didn't tell her. You will," Jen says calmly, and then tells Grams that she doesn't think Helen is, like, "Mary Poppins," or anything, but she certainly deserves to be in the loop. "And I can't do it alone," Jen says, giving Grams a long, pained look, like, Jen? Grams's cancer is not about you. Grams sighs, and they hug. "I love you," Jen says, and walks away. I'm already sort of bored with this plotline.

Worthington College of How Did It Get To Be Summer Vacation Already? Audrey and Jack Osbourne sit in her mostly packed-up dorm room. Jack fiddles with Joey's running shorts, and I swear to God he's either done this bit with the shorts before, or I dreamed it, and if I've become psychic about Dawson's Creek, I might as well kill myself right now. Audrey snaps at him when he starts to sniff them, but if she were really his friend, she'd say something about his hideous hair. My phone rings, and it's my friend Carrie. "Jack Osbourne looks like Bruce Vilanch," she says. "I hope they shave his head in rehab." And then she hangs up. The thing is, she's right. And what seventeen-year-old wants to look like Bruce Vilanch? Anyway, Joey comes in and tells Jack to stop sniffing her dainties, and Audrey explains that he's there to "meet with the dean and see if Worthington is right for him, or some such hoo-ha." Dude, that's totally a shout-out! I say "hoo-ha" all the time! Right? Shut up. Joey makes some whiny noises about how she can't believe Jack gets to meet with the dean when she had to kill her mom and send her dad to prison in order to get into Worthington, and then there's some other Jack-related business that I miss because I'm distracted by two things: Audrey's fucking awesome slingbacks, and Joey's fucking horrible hair. It is GOD-FREAKING-AWFUL, people. It is two hundred percent worse than it was last week. I suspect that she's actually just dyeing the bottom half orange on purpose. I think the hair and make-up folks are trying to make it look better by leaving it wavy, but…people, the only thing that's going to make Joey's hair look better is a wig. Anyhoo, Audrey and Joey share a moment as they realize that their time in "this particular room" is over. Audrey gives Joey her big pink pillow to remember her by. "Like me, it seems harsh and overwhelming at first, but once you give into its delicious comfort, you find that you cannot live without it," she says. Joey hugs her, and they agree that, you know, they love each other and whatnot. Joey reflects that she's never really had a girlfriend, "a good one. No one like [Audrey]." It is true that good girlfriends are very valuable. If only because it's helpful to have someone to bum tampons from and talk about boys with.

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