Tonight's WB presentation is intended for the members of our audience who think it's still the early nineties.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Gretchen confessed to Dawson that she got pregnant the previous semester, thus winning Sars five chocolate bars; Joey told Pacey that they could do other things besides have sex, and then he tickled her; The Flash and Gale told Dawson that they'd decided not to keep the baby, and Dawson couldn't believe it; Drue gave Jen Ecstasy for her non-birthday, which annoyed her, and he thought she protested too much; Sars had a gastrointestinal aneurysm and spewed bile all over the Internet.
Capeside High exterior. Fade to the library, where Andie "Mother's Little Helper" McPhee is advising Jen "Big Apple Circus" Lindley on how to approach the college application process. The two girls approach a shelf of Barron's-type books, and Andie suggests that Jen start by looking at New York schools, since it's "her old 'hood." Jen has spent three years trying to get away from that, she says, but Andie thought Jen had recently decided that she missed her old friends "at the haunt," whatever that means. Jen thinks "Long Over" Drue Valentine has "been whispering in [Andie's] ear," and Andie admits that she and Drue had a little "confab" at the club the other day, and Drue told her about how he and Jen and their friends used to go to the haunt -- or, I guess, "the Haunt" -- and stay out dancing and drinking till all hours and blah bling blah. Jen grumblingly calls Drue "the prince of revisionist history," like, Jen? If Drue bugs you that much, just ignore him. Jesus. Just then, Jack "Unconfirmed Bachelor" McPhee dashes up to them all out of breath. Andie asks what's up, and after much melodramatic "oh it's nothing" build-up, Jack whips out an envelope from Harvard addressed to Andie. It's a regular old number-ten envelope, which Andie takes from Jack while she starts to hyperventilate, and she starts stressing that "if it's a yes, it would be bigger, right?" while Jen and Jack look on wearing expectant smiles, and I can't speak for Harvard, but I got in early action myself, and the acceptance came in a big old one-inch-thick manila job, but maybe Harvard does things differently. Non-witty "size matters" repartee between Andie and Jen. Neurotic fondling of the envelope by Andie. Rambling about the future. Just as I notice liver spots forming on the backs of my hands, Jack moves things along: "Will you open it?" God, word. Andie tears open the envelope and reads the letter aloud. To nobody's surprise, Harvard has accepted her. Jack and Jen excitedly shout, "You're in! You're in!" and Jack hugs a gaping Andie and calls out, "Hey everybody, my sister just got into Harvard" (aw), and everyone in the library claps politely instead of shushing them, and as a cat faces off against a table saw on the soundtrack, Andie clutches at the neckline of her blouse and makes gaspy fish faces.
Everything about the Grinch remake gives me the heebs…except his doormat that says "BUZZ OFF" on it. I want that doormat. Christmas is coming. Just, you know, putting that out there.