Previously: Dawson agreed to direct Pander's vanity project, Jack fought with his frat brothers, and Joey macked on Professor Creepy.
Audrey and Pander come slutting into someone's dorm room, exchanging particularly horrendous dialogue. This is so obviously The Vanity Project, though the fake-out attempt is a valiant one. Well, sort of. Audrey pours some Jim Beam and calls Pander's character "a snake and a con-artist" who's slept his way "through the entire student body and some of the faculty." Pander downs the shot and insists that he's "none of those things." Audrey gets all up in his face. "Then who are you?" she hisses. "I'm just the boy who's going to tear your soul apart," Pander breathes. They kiss. Ridiculous semi-pornographic music wocka wockas in the background. My head hurts already. Audrey pulls away abruptly. "This is ridiculous. I can't do this," she announces. "Cut," Dawson directs wearily, as we pull back to reveal that he's got his crew and equipment crammed into the back of what must be Audrey's room. Jen, sitting in a director's chair next to the Head, stares dully at her boyfriend. Audrey explains that if she were a girl trying to seduce a boy, and she's "been that girl many, many times," she would never, ever, ever let the boy know she was even remotely into him! Because that's when the boys get bored! Dawson blinks exasperatedly and covers his face with his hands. "It's just feeble writing," Audrey finishes. "Hey, I'm right here," Pander yelps. Jen offers that maybe they should have made an animated film. Dawson makes a face like she's not helping (perhaps because she isn't. Have I mentioned that while I grudgingly like New Dawson, I hate New Jen? Because I do. She's so mealy-mouthed). He pulls Audrey into the corner and does some directing. "If he knows that she knows that he knows that she knows," he says, "you see what I'm getting at?" Audrey lies and says that she does. "Okay, let's shoot this scene before we get old and die in our sleep," Dawson chuckles. Jen pulls out a bullhorn. "Back to work, people!" she bellows. The bullhorn screeches horrifically. Pacey, holding the boom mike in the corner, shoots her a dirty look. Dawson just looks weary, and instructs Pacey not to dip the boom into the shot anymore. Pacey chews on a toothpick and cheerfully agrees. Everyone heads back to his or her marks. Jen snaps the marker and scrambles back to her position at Dawson's hip. "And action," Dawson calls gleefully. Oh, barf. I could live the rest of my life without revisiting the Dawson Leery: Auteur Theory plotline.