Fifty-yard line. Principal Green presents the winner of the silent auction, who has won "one ride on the Minuteman Mule, and one heart-stopping kiss from our head cheerleader." "Ex head cheerleader," Jen hisses. The Minuteman, complete with powdered wig, leads the Mule in, and it stumbles, dumping the auction winner -- Henry -- on the ground. He staggers to his feet and yanks his helmet off and stares at Jen puppyishly. Jen snickers, "Henry?" Henry nods in mute adoration. She asks how he got five hundred dollars, and he stammers, "Mouthpiece." As the crowd urges Henry to kiss her already, Jen asks if he really sold his Doug Flutie "memorial mouthpiece" just to get a smooch from her. Henry looks away, then back at her, and nods dumbly. Jen smiles in spite of herself and says, "I don't know whether to gag or be incredibly touched." Heh. The cheerleaders lead the crowd in a chant of "kiss, kiss, kiss" and Jen looks around uncomfortably. Henry tells her she doesn't have to kiss him if she doesn't want to. Jen tries to hide another smile, says, "Come here, freshman," and pulls him towards her. The slo-mo starts up again as they kiss, and Jen's bottom lip squishes out on Henry's. Violins. Loud, skillet-esque violins. Back to regular, um, "mo" and Jen urging everyone to go on home and Henry grinning. Principal Greene stops her and says they have "a little unfinished business" to attend to first. Then he crowns Jen Homecoming Queen, and as another student drapes Jen in a cloak and places a tiara on her head and a wand in her hand, Jen mutters, "This isn't happening." No, Jen, it isn't, because you aren't a senior, you aren't pretty, and for the last time, you aren't Janeane Garofalo.
Jack slumps on the bench. Andie percolates up behind him and tells him, "See? I told you everything would work out fine." "You did?" Jack asks, removing a towel from his head. Andie burbles about a positive attitude. Jack refers wryly to her previous doomsday predictions that he would disgrace Clan McPhee and horrify their father, and Andie comments derisively that Angry Pants is "probably out sailing or golfing or wherever he is -- I wouldn't give it another thought." Jack shakes his head and makes an "I give up" face while wiping makeup off with his towel, then tells Andie that she's making his head spin. She says she's just glad it's over, and she can't tell him how relieved she feels, and then she asks, "So who won the game, anyway?" Jack stares at her. I find myself overcome with gales of laughter at the wackiness of Andie's subplot. Oh, so sorry -- I seem to have confused "gales of laughter" with "convulsive retching."