Dawson's Creek
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Sars: D | 1 USERS: C-
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Jack's body double takes another hit just before the air horn signals half-time. The score: Iron Skillet 5, Sars 0. Er, I mean, Visiting Team 21, Capeside 0. Dawson gets up and tells Jen, "Let's go." "Where are we going?" Jen asks. "To even the score," answers a determined Dawson. Jen follows him.

Locker room. In a series of fade-cut shots, The Flash tries to rally the troops with a string of clich├ęs taken straight from The Big Book Of Sports Platitudes. Deciding to kick it up a notch, The Flash then delves into Chinese history by mentioning General Sun-Tzu, but before he can say the name aloud, Dawson's voice finishes the thought for him, describing the general as "a brilliant military strategist who lived about two thousand years ago. My dad's been telling me about him ever since I was a kid." The Flash eyes Dawson, who has bucket and towel in hand, with suspicion before asking, "What's with the bucket?" "Well, I thought I'd soak my GIANT HEAD," Dawson tells him. No, no, not really -- actually, Dawson says, "Turn our weakness into a strength, just like the general said." The entire team stares at him as he goes on, "We're gonna start by obscuring everyone's number so the other team can't find Jack." Yeah, the officials will totally allow that. Not. The Flash says skeptically that that might work "for a couple of plays." Dawson calls the number-obscuring "Phase One," and when Henry asks, "What's Phase Two?" Dawson throws open the door of the locker room, and the cheerleaders sashay in. The players whistle, and The Flash gets to his feet.

Jump-cut back to the field. The Flash tells his assistant coaches (whatever), who have headsets on (whatever), to cross their fingers. The Capeside players huddle, then line up, and the opposing team does a series of unconvincing double-takes. Cut to the Capeside offensive (and I do mean "offensive") line, sporting more makeup than Liz Taylor in the barge scene from Cleopatra and leering lipstickily at the opposing players through their mouth guards. One of them winks at the opposing player across from him; meanwhile, the other team's players whisper and shake their heads. Henry -- who looks a lot more like Leonardo DiCaprio with makeup than without -- sneers, "Try and find the homo now," and stuffs in his mouthpiece. The game resumes and we go to commercial. Fortunately, we didn't just see one insulting stereotype replaced by another. Oh, my mistake. We did.

When we return from commercial, Capeside has come within three points of the visitors, and seven seconds remain in the game. Dawson and Jen watch tensely from the stands as Henry calls a play and Jack gasps something about his mascara running. Meanwhile, Sars marvels at the fact that Kerr Smith still looks pretty cute despite having more eyeliner on than Dr. Frank N. Furter. Jack tells Henry to throw him the ball, and he'll catch it. Capeside runs the play. The clock ticks off the final seconds, and the slo-mo gears up as Henry unloads a pass to Jack; Jack pulls it down and heads for the end zone, launching himself over the opposing defenders and landing on his back for the touchdown. The crowd goes bonkers, The Flash slowly gets to his feet and looks as though he might burst into tears of joy, Jack spikes the ball, and the team rushes him. Principal Green rushes down to congratulate The Flash on his "irreverent and imaginative" game plan. Then a tub of red Gatorade gets dumped on The Flash.

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Dawson's Creek

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