Snaps to Kisle, LaaLaa, and JoBeth.
Previously on Dawson's Creek, Eve calls herself "a fantasy," Pacey and Andie bid each other farewell in extreme close-up, Mr. McPhee tells Jack he isn't gay and Jack shouts that he is too gay while Andie cries.
For once, fade up somewhere outside the Sanctum Dawsonorum, namely outside Capeside High, where Pacey "Too Good To Be True" Witter worries that the gurgling of his insides indicates that he's going to explode. Dawson "Raisin Brando" Leery scoffs at the idea, and Pacey points out that "some guy in Norway blew up in the middle of the supermarket last year." Dawson says that nervous anticipation doesn't cause spontaneous combustion, and Pacey demands, "Who said I was nervous?" Dawson, in his best buck-up-little-camper voice, says it's only natural that Pacey feel nervous -- he sees Andie in less than six hours. Dawson asks if Mr. McPhee is still letting Pacey pick Andie up, and Pacey says yes, and that he's leaving at lunch; Dawson tries to act like a friend for once and asks if Pacey wants company, but Pacey says that Joey will accompany him. He explains to Dawson that Joey wanted to see Andie, and that he thought he should let her come after his conversation with Dawson last week, and Dawson makes fine-fine noises and says, "Nobody welcomes a Potter-Witter détente more than me. I'm glad she has somebody." (Strangely, the captioning here read, "Glad you asked somebody.") Dawson goes on, "It'll only help as Joey and I weave our separate ways through these pathless woods we call life." Shut up, Dawson. Pacey interrupts, "Speaking of wood, Dawson, whatever happened with a certain busgirl?" meaning, I assume, "The One Face Of" Eve, and Dawson grumbles that Eve vanished, "Jonathan Krakauer-ed into thin air." Like, ha ha. Not. Pacey questions Dawson's decision to let her slip away, and Dawson says he had a "slightly irate father to answer to" and he feels lucky to have escaped with his life, although Dawson doesn't seem to have gotten grounded or punished in any way. Pacey asks what happened after the party, and Dawson says he can't find Eve, and Pacey asks if Dawson checked down at the strip joint, and Dawson mumbles, "Embarrassingly, yes," and adds that "it turns out she was a temp." Pacey echoes my thoughts by wondering, "Strip joints have temps?" As they walk into the school building, Dawson says that he only knows Eve's first name and doesn't even know "if that's real," and Pacey begins expounding on Eve as the "ultimate transitional woman" blah blah blah "you are a young, virile, increasingly buff teenage male, you have certain wants and desires" blah blah blah Eve is "a gift from the gods on rebound high, a curvaceous ["curvaceous"? In what culture?] vixen" fishcakes. Pacey prattles on, not noticing that a slender arm has appeared from a passing doorway and yanked Dawson in by the collar, and when he finally notices that Dawson has disappeared and left him alone with his Epicurean soliloquy, he spins in a circle and trails off. Yeah, hilarious. Not. Cut to Eve mauling Dawson in the supply closet. When she finally comes up for air, Dawson says, "Eve." "Morning, Dawson," Eve vamps. "Welcome to school." Morning, Maalox. Welcome to my stomach.
Credits. Nails squawking across the world's largest blackboard.