Dawson's Creek

Episode Report Card
Sars: D | 2 USERS: B

Jack approaches The Flash; he got a message that The Flash wanted to see him. The Flash puts out orange cones and tells Jack he wants him to join the team. Jack says no way. The Flash says he and Henry did a great job. Jack asks if he has to "spell it out for" The Flash. The Flash says yes, he does, so Jack spells it out: "A gay kid on the football team. Now if that isn't a written invitation for ridicule, what is?" The Flash says one has nothing to do with the other, and Jack says in a perfect world, maybe it doesn't, but "that's not Capeside." The Flash delivers a monologue about why he took the coaching job, and the suckiness of the team, and the toughness of the last year of his life, and how he can't let a chance at winning escape, because "that's somethin' I could really use right now. Jack, I think you could too." Jack gives him a distrustful stare.

Dawson packs the SUV. Jen strolls over from Grams's house and asks what he's doing. The drugstore bag falls on the ground, and Jen picks it up, peeks in, and spots the condoms. After sarcastically expressing her shock, she asks, "Who is the lucky girl?" Dawson declines to answer ["That's just as well, since I don't know that the word 'lucky' describes a potential sexual partner of Dawson's." -- Wing Chun], and Jen notes that, ever since he returned from Philadelphia, "someone's been whistling a very different tune." Dawson proclaims himself "a Dawson Leery for the new millennium," and Jen asks if "Dawson 2000" is ready to have sex. Dawson doesn't get it. Jen says, "Sex isn't a one-way street, Dawson -- there's gonna be expectations where you're concerned." He asks her advice. Big mistake -- Jen observes sagely that virgins always go too slow or too fast, and asks which he thinks he'll be, and Dawson doesn't know how he would know, a response which prompts Jen to go into a long-winded, inapt, and vaguely disgusting metaphor involving an ice-cream sundae. I would go into more detail, but -- but -- I! Want! TO LIVE! A few choice phrases in case you don't get the idea: "Lick around the exterior." "You want to make that sundae last a long time." "If you don't get the whipped cream all over your face, you're not doin' it right." Shut up, Jen. [Ow! -- Wing Chun]

Cut to cymbals clashing as the Capeside bank geeks, clad in tri-corner hats, plow through a fight song. Jen, in torn fishnets and so-'87 crimped hair, does a terrible imitation of Janeane Garofalo as a cheer, then herds the other pep-folk off the stage. Principal Green makes a sarcastic comment, then introduces The Flash, and The Flash in turn introduces the team, and the linebackers burst through blue-and-yellow banners as the crowd cheers. In the back, Andie, Pacey, and Joey file into the auditorium and sit down, and Pacey immediately says he's seen enough and proposes leaving, and Joey says, "Good idea," and they both get right back up again, but Andie -- her hair in age-inappropriate Smurfy little ponytails that have the unfortunate effect of making Meredith Monroe look even more, well, thirty than usual -- pulls them back down. Just then, The Flash introduces "wide receiver Jack McPhee," and Jack slumps towards the stage with his hands in his pockets as the sound of teenage-girl shrieking gets distinctly louder. Jack smiles and bites his lip, secretly pleased in spite of himself. Pacey: "When did this happen?" Joey: "It's news to me." Andie: "Jen's a cheerleader and -- Jack's on the football team? Okay, I got sane and everybody else went crazy?" Yeah, really. Jack high-fives the cheerleaders and The Flash introduces starting quarterback Henry Parker. Jack must have passed the klutz baton to Henry, because young Hank stumbles as he runs up on the stage. He gets up, and he and Jen have major eye contact, in slo-mo just in case the iron skillet missed on the first pass. Henry apologizes. Jen says "it's cool" several times. Henry picks up one of her pompoms instead of the football, and Jen points this out and then giggles as Henry ogles her. Cannons fire and confetti streamers whip across the crowd as The Flash introduces the entire team, and Andie claps delightedly, and Jack and Henry bask in the attention. Pacey hugs Andie, and she tries to put him off, saying, "Frisky much?" Pacey suggests they go elsewhere; Andie says, "Um, in a little bit," and doesn't look at him. Pacey grouses, "Come on, McPhee," and Andie says brightly but firmly, "I said in a little while." Pacey grabs her arm and drags her out into the hall, saying he wants to talk to her, but not in front of the whole school. Joey watches them go and makes a "yikes" face.

The Flash announces "a closer look at the Capeside Minutemen," and a huge screen -- which, by the way, I doubt that a regional Cape Cod high school could ever afford -- descends. Stock footage of wacky athletic stuff rolls as Dawson intones portentously about valor and a bunch of other sporting qualities in the voice-over. Dawson himself watches from backstage. Enter Eve, saying that "the time has come." Dawson splutters. Eve overrules him. Hark! The boner pops, and Dawson babbles, "They say that girls like you don't exist." Eve says, "They lie," and drags Dawson behind the scrim. His arm reaches out and grabs the bag with the condoms in it. God help us all.

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Dawson's Creek




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