Gretchen says that Keira just means he's not the kind of guy who would ditch her at a concert for another girl (apparently, Loser #2 did that to her), and then the other girls bring up various other losers on Gretchen's list. Gretchen says that she doesn't want to get into it, because she's "not drunk enough" to catalog her "life's most embarrassing choices" in front of Dawson, and it bears pointing out that most girls know better than to air their friend's laundry out in front of The New Guy anyway, but Keira and Jessica won't let it drop, and we find out that Gretchen had Lucky the leprechaun tattooed on her hip to impress Loser #5, a musician, and Gretchen slurs that at least it's there to remind her never to date a musician again, "no matter how hot or sexy he might be." Dawson looks like he's ingested a bug. Gretchen schmoops that she knows Dawson "won't shred my heart." Your corneas, on the other hand…the show starts. Gretchen snuggles up to Dawson as the pianeuse, who has Katie Couric hair, sings about how her life plays "like it's a movie" and sometimes she just thinks that she's afraid and other anvilicious sentiments of that sort.

Tutoring. A kid with cool cornrows struggles with a word, then bitches, "I don't like this story!" Jack suggests reading another one: "You have to have something ready for class, right?" Cornrows slams the book shut: "There's nothing good in here!" Jack says that school stories did nothing for him either, and he thinks the two of them could make up a better story between them than the ones in the book. Cornrows, whose name is Will, mentions a story he thought up about aliens taking him to the moon. Jack says that Will can tell him the story, he'll write it down, and on Monday Will can tell it to his class -- but Will can only use words he can spell in the story. They start working on it. Will looks up a word. The Joy Of Learning settles on his face. Tobey looks on, an admiring brow arched, as Will successfully spells "spaceship." Will might want to spell "acting coach" while he's at it, because he's cute and has rockin' hair, but he's murdering his line readings.

Mini-golf. Drue gets his mack on with two girls, but Joey breaks it up by saying that "it's time we talk about the baby -- I think you need to take responsibility and marry me." Hee! Drue bitches at Joey for interrupting his swerve. Joey asks how he could sleep with Anna "and then treat her like that." Drue tries to deflect with snark, but Joey calls him on it, saying that he has a "whole witty Drue routine," but it's only a disguise -- he's afraid nobody will love him, so he deflects intimacy, blah blah blah. Joey, put the remote down and back away from the Oprah, okay? "How insightful," Drue cracks, but Joey isn't done, saying that it doesn't take a degree to see through him and that, if he keeps it up, his worst fear "is gonna come true -- [he's] gonna walk through life alone."