Previously on Dawson's Creek: Dawson, Joey, blah blah blah. Gay Jack, hot ambiguously gay Professor, blah blah blah. Pacey blah, Audrey blah, Pacey and Audrey blah blah blah. Jen blah, Blandy blah. Oliver Hudson, hottie blah blah blah.
Open on the set of the horror movie that Dawson is, against all odds, making All About Him, a.k.a. Really Big Pinhead. Todd stalks through the set, screaming at Dawson. Well, I don't actually think he's screaming at Dawson. He's screaming, and Dawson is taking notes. "This is all wrong!" Todd screams. "The only way it could be any wronger would be if I paid them to do it all wrong and they busted up!" Have I mentioned that I love Todd? At least he looks like he's got something going on upstairs. Also, he yells at Dawson. Hence, Todd is my hero. He's still yelling -- about screw-ups on the set this time (for example, the set is stocked with DVD players, despite being set in the 1970s. Who's in charge of art direction here, a trained monkey?). Todd drops a cigarette into his mouth and asks Dawson for a light. Dawson sniffs sanctimoniously that he certainly will not! He reminds Todd that Grandfather Todd died of lung cancer, and that Todd made Dawson swear on all of his many, many Bibles that he, Dawson, would not allow Todd to smoke ever, ever again. "I'll give you twelve thousand dollars," Todd deadpans. Now, this is the point at which my reaction would be, "Cancer, schmancer, here's a light!" But Dawson refuses. "Wanker," Todd spits. I scribble the words, "Jessica + Todd" on my Pee Chee folder. Todd looks over some paperwork. "This is what I get for signing on to this hillbilly circus!" he snits. "I could have been directing a video in Paris for one of those homosexual crooner bands." Dawson looks at his own paperwork and makes a concerned face. Todd turns to Dawson and mentions that he "really wants to get in close at Natasha's nipples, so stick the AC on, make sure they really pop." That's the direction of a true auteur, y'all. "Classy," Dawson says. Todd nods, and walks away, Dawson trailing him like a little puppy dog.
Todd's yelping over his shoulder that Natasha can be a bit of a "Handful?" Dawson offers. "Well, I was going to say 'pain in the ass,' but okay," Todd sniffs. He instructs Dawson to keep Natasha happy. "By any means necessary," he adds. He reminds Dawson that they're about to shoot a really important scene. Dawson nods. Todd takes a deep breath. "All right. Send Natasha to my trailer. It's time for The Crazy Diva Tells The Director Her Thoughts On The Scene So We Can Pretend Her Opinion Actually Matters Talk," he sighs. Heh. Dawson informs Todd that Natasha isn't on set yet. The music screeches to a halt as Todd stops and stares at Dawson in abject horror. And not just because his skull is blocking all sources of natural light. Dawson races to assure his boss that "Phil the PA" is picking Natasha up at the airport even as they speak! Todd yelps that he just fired Phil the PA! Yada yada yada, Dawson is ordered to go pick up Natasha at the airport. "Go! Go! Go! Go!" Todd yells, then stalks off. Dawson just stands in the midst of the bustling set and smiles that I Am Living My Dream! I Am A Golden God! I Am A Smarmy Moron! grin that makes me want to remove my corneas with a bread knife. Finally, he runs off. If only he'd tripped on a loose electrical cord.