Dawson's Creek
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

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Have yourseeeeeelf a greeeeeeeeeasy little Christmaaaaaaas

We all saw the promo, right? Dawson and Gretchen smooching, followed by Joey sobbing into her hand, right? And we all know that that had nothing to do with anything on the actual show, and that the editor of the promo pretty much hacked up the episode into seven-second bits, tossed them up in the air, picked random pieces up off of the floor, and cobbled them together -- right? Because we've watched a TV show before, and we can spot this sort of amateurish manipulation on the part of the WB, right?

Right. On we go, then.

Previously on the Creek: Dawson discovered Mr. Brooks's yearbook and found that the two of them share a love of film, but Mr. Brooks colored himself unimpressed with this epiphany; Jen bitched at Drue for trying to capitalize on The E-Tarts Incident; Grams expressed her disappointment with Jen; Pacey and Joey noted that Dawson and Gretchen had become "going-out-together buddies"; Gretchen thanked Dawson for making her "transition" from college "a lot more enjoyable than [she] ever thought it could be," leading me to believe that she equated the return to her hometown to a raging case of dysentery or something, because…Dawson? "Enjoyable"?

Pan along the porch of Reconciliation Ranch and up to the window of the Sanctum Dawsonorum. "Scary" "music" plays. Inside, we see Dawson "Bad Hair-y Truman" Leery sitting against the foot of his bed. Gretchen "Laugh Lines -- Except For The 'Laugh' Part" Witter -- non-cleverly non-hidden behind the panel of a bookcase for the first few frames, so that members of the viewing audience born yesterday might think she's actually Joey -- lolls on the bed. On the TV, a black-and-white movie plays. Cut to a full-face shot of Dawson and Gretchen, Dawson absorbed in the film, Gretchen arching a skeptical brow in Dawson's direction. The film ends with a woman screaming hysterically over a man's dead body in the rain, and the end credits inform us, "Directed by A.I. Brooks." Dawson clicks off the set and sighs, "Wow." Gretchen asks if he means "wow, great movie," or "wow, that sucked." Except, of course, she takes about a hundred and twelve more words than that to say it. Dawson confesses that he "wanted to hate it," really, but he can't: "This is the…heartbreaking work of a staggering genius." Somewhere in Brooklyn, Dave Eggers clutches his head, drops dead, and begins spinning in his grave like a rotisserie spit. Gretchen waxes doubtful about Turn Away, My Sweet, saying she only saw a formula gangster movie and she's "still picking the pulp" out of her teeth; Dawson admits that the movie is pulpy and formulaic, but argues that it has a "thumping heart," and he mangles the pronunciation of "Sturm und Drang" before calling the film "a love story masquerading as a genre piece." Symbolism comes in and tells me it's a friend of Foreshadowing's and can it use my bathroom as Gretchen points out that the girl hired the guy to kill her.

Dawson reminds Gretchen in turn that the girl fell in love with the guy even though she'd given up on love, and then he couldn't kill her because he loved her too, and Symbolism yells all echoey off the bathroom tile, "Everything okay out there?" and I yell back, "Yep, don't get up, I GET IT," and Gretchen sniffs that "Tarantino does this stuff a lot better, and in color." Do the writers draw these pop-culture references out of a hat or what? Tarantino doesn't "do this stuff" at all, much less "better" than A.I. Brooks. Scorsese is the reference they want here, but I suppose it's too much to ask the writers to yank their thumbs out of their butts for five fucking minutes and think a reference through, when they probably think Raging Bull is a fucking Playstation game. Jesus.

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Dawson's Creek

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