Dawson's Creek
Like A Virgin

Episode Report Card
Wing Chun: D | 3 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Like A Virgin

Props to Wendola, Kim and Sars, and apologies to my stomach lining.

As much as I hate to give Kevin Williamson credit for...well...anything, after watching the dreck that was the Dawson's Creek season premiere, I can only surmise that it was his guiding hand that had heretofore halted the show's decline into Beverly Hills, 90210-style characterization and ludicrously contrived storylines. I do not know how I'm going to get through this season. And I'm not speaking hyperbolically -- I really can't conceive of how I will get through this season. And I have tried.

Sigh.

Previously on Dawson's Creek: Bride of Flash decided to take the job in Philadelphia. Jen Lindley didn't want to be alone anymore, nor did Grams and Jack McPhee. Andie McPhee was exhorted to "hurry back" to Pacey. Joey begged Dawson not to turn in her father, because if he did, she couldn't be friends with him anymore, but he did it anyway. The Ice House burned down.

A Cape Cod-bound bus tools down a dark road to the dulcet tones of...Bob Seger...belting "Old-Time Rock and Roll." I already want to watch something -- anything -- else. Cut to a small piece of electronic equipment, the nature of which is not immediately apparent, on the lap of Dawson "Cream of Weak" Leery, who is wearing headphones and resting his prodigious noggin on his equally gargantuan rolled-up shirt. He wakes up with a trickle of drool in the corner of his mouth. Dawson, this is how I plan to remember you. He takes a moment to orient himself and looks over at his seatmate, a cute girl with short blonde hair who slowly swivels her head to appraise him coolly. Although she is on a bus, she is wearing a tube top. He flicks his eyes away from her for a second, and when he looks back she is saying something he can't hear, so he takes off his headphones and she says again, "You're drooling." He wipes his mouth, and she adds, "You're a very heavy breather; did you know that?" He says, "No." She makes a disparaging comment about Dawson's "scintillating" conversation. He stares at her like the dumbstruck buffoon he is. She asks what's in his lap. His eyes instantly dart to the area where his genitals would be if he weren't a Ken doll, but the girl laughs at him and tells him she meant the machine, and wanted to know what movie he was watching. Apparently it's a portable DVD player. He says it's Risky Business. In light of the shamelessly derivative plotline that follows -- and believe me, this is no spoiler, since there is nothing to spoil -- I would like to say WHATEVER in advance.

There's a bit of stupid banter about the movie (apparently Rebecca DeMornay and Tom Cruise "do it" on a train, or something? I haven't seen it ["I blame this film for launching Tom Cruise into the bosom of American filmgoing society. But anyhow, back to the point, namely that yes, they "do it" on a train and in a bunch of other germy and uncomfortable places as well." --Sars]) in which this girl implies that she doesn't buy the premise of the movie: "He's a virgin and she's a battle-scarred hooker who's slept with hundreds of men." This is when I realize that, with her short hair, this girl looks like a blonde Alyssa Milano, but that really she's one of the twins from the Sweet Valley High TV show. Dawson opines that Risky Business is a modern myth: "Joseph Campbell meets Sigmund Freud meets Holden Caulfield." I need a nap. Dawson goes on in this vein until Bus Girl -- much like Film Threat Girl before her -- does a double take and smirks and almost grudgingly says, "You're adorable!" and asks his name. Oh, AS IF! Ladies, when was the last time you told a guy he was adorable because he strung together a bunch of nonsense words about some crap-ass movie from the eighties? I'll wager it NEVER happens. Dawson gives her his "but of course" grin and introduces himself and they shake hands. The camera cuts to their hands shaking to show that the instant Dawson starts to let go, she pulls her hand away. He asks if she's okay. She tells him some damn bullshit about her father telling her never to release her hand in a handshake until the other person released first, because it "imparts a subtle yet powerful advantage in all human intercourse." Dawson is clearly thinking "huh huh, she said 'intercourse,'" and says that he meant her skin, and asks if she has a fever. She says that's just her, and that she "runs a few degrees hot." Wait a minute. Hold up. Are they trying to communicate that this is a sexually gregarious woman whose horny life force is evident even in the temperature of her skin? That's a spicy meatball! To make sure we all get the message that she has, ahem, "the hots" for Dawson, the last line before that damn Paula Cole starts her insufferable moaning is Bus Girl saying, "You didn't tell me about your girlfriend."

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Dawson's Creek

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