Dawson's Creek
None Of The Above

Episode Report Card
admin: D | 3 USERS: B+
None Of The Above

Props to Miss Anthropy, Kim, and Sars.

Previously on Dawson's Creek: Jen was a crappy cheerleader, and Jack was quite incredibly on the football team. Eve and Dawson got caught making out in front of the whole school. Andie cheated on Pacey with some dude in the loony bin. Dawson and Joey were "Dawson and Joey."

On the TV in the Sanctum Dawsonorum (where the operative phoneme is "snore"), an episode of Felicity that originally aired November 3, 1998 (the one called "Cheating," for you sticklers) is being broadcast. If you think the intertext appears to address, finally, the similarities between Dawson and Felicity, you're absolutely right. Dawson "Honey Dome" Leery remarks that this isn't exactly what he had in mind: "The whole point of us [sic] spending a little time together was for us to actually talk, and get to know each other." "And then can we have sex?" chirps Eve "Cape Broad" Whitman. Dawson says he's not ruling it out, but that they need to do "first things first" -- "Movie Night" is for watching movies, not TV. Eve says she prefers TV. Every time they cut back to the image on the screen-within-the-screen, I'm reminded of how much I'd rather watch Felicity help an oblivious Ben to cheat on his English paper, even though I've already seen that one about three times. Dawson tells Eve she has to be kidding. Everyone, break out the lead umbrellas -- an Anvil Storm's a-brewin'. Eve: Not kidding. Dawson: Movies are an art form, whereas TV is just the "pablum" that fills the space "between beer commercials." Eve: Don't be a snob. TVs are like shorter movies with built-in bathroom breaks and weekly sequels. Dawson: "Sequels I hate on principle." Eve: Whatever. Dawson falls back on the bed in an effort to express his exasperation. He then tells Eve that she should take Felicity as an example: "If you've seen one hour of whiny, over-analytical teen angst, you've seen them all." Dude, not even Knoll on his worst day is as annoying as you are in scenes where you have no dialogue, so cram it. Dawson goes on to say that Felicity is paralyzed by romanticism, and is moreover "kind of chatty." Eve, echoing the sentiments of online bulletin board posters everywhere, remarks, "She's you." Eve gets up, struts her dangerously swaybacked self over to Dawson's side of the bed, and straddles him (ugh), all the while declaiming that Dawson is straight out of "Central Casting," what with his perfect hair (not. In this scene, his bangs look like an oversized set of false eyelashes) and perfect skin (whatever), and that the total package is "Our Hero." Dawson stammers that she must not have been watching last season (or this season, or ever, if you ask me). He says that his general complaint about television is that it's perfect, and isn't reality, since no one ever makes a bad choice or a wrong decision. Eve says that's where she comes in, to shake things up. Dawson finishes her thought by calling her "the temptress who will test our hero's very moral fibre." Would that be his Moral Fruit and Fibre? I don't mind that, as long as his Meat and Two Veg stay out of it, to say nothing of his Frank and Beans. While pressing herself on Dawson as if she were a human blanket, Eve asks rhetorically, "Will he survive unscathed?" Dawson says that the other thing he hates about television is that they always cut away before anything good happens. I assume no one needs me to tell them that this is followed instantaneously by the opening credits. How very meta.

Sars: "Hello?"

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Dawson's Creek




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