I’m making a movie." "Really," Jen says, sounding impressed. "Kinda young to be so ambitious." Dawson responds with a worried look, "Fifteen. Spielberg started on eight-millimeter when he was thirteen." Yeah, and Spielberg still sucks rocks, Dawson -- and by the way, Ethan Hawke sent a runner over from the set of Reality Bites, and he wants his hair back. Jen asks, "Why movies? What’s the attraction?" Dawson responds, without a hint of irony, "I reject reality." Jen sort of laughs as if to say, "Whatever." Dawson invites her to see his studio. While they climb the stairs to Dawson’s lair, I sharpen a fondue fork in anticipation of the agony I know awaits me. Dawson and Jen walk into the Sanctum Dawsonorum. The camera yaws from one Spielberg poster to another as Jen takes a stab at humor: "Long shot here, ah -- Spielberg fan?" Dawson, whose hair has undergone yet another metamorphosis and now looks like he starred in the low-water-pressure episode of Seinfeld, nods quickly and quips, "I pretty much worship the man in a godlike way, yeah." Jen says, "How revealing." Indeed. Dawson launches into the guided tour: "I have his career chronicled up on my wall -- if you’ll notice, everything is arranged in receding box office order, starting with the blockbusters, Jurassic Park, E.T., Jaws, Indiana Jones series, and if you’ll follow it to my critically acclaimed wall, I have Schindler’s List and The Color Purple." Dawson throws open his closet doors (no comment) and continues, "Also, for humility purposes, I also [sic] keep his flops, 1941 and Always, in limited but accessible view." Jen inquires flirtatiously, "Are you familiar with obsessive reality disorder?" No such disorder exists, except on the part of the DC writers, but even if it did, Dawson wouldn’t notice, as we see when he babbles, "It’s beyond that. See, I believe that all the mysteries of the universe, all the answers to life’s questions, can be found in a Spielberg film." I bury the fondue fork firmly in my left eyeball as Dawson expounds on his theory: "Whenever I have a problem, all I have to do is look to the right Spielberg movie, and the answer is revealed." Jen skeptically suggests "a twelve-step program," to which Dawson responds, "Wit. We like that around here." As if Dawson would know wit if it attached itself to his panoramic forehead with a suction cup.