Previously, on Kill Me Now: Audrey did a lot of drinking. Dawson, against all odds, was hired to direct the reshoots on Todd's movie. Jen and Blandy flirted weakly over at the 90210 Memorial Teen Help Line. And Joey and Oliver did a lot of passive-aggressive snipping about cowardice versus romance.
Worthington College Without Classes. Audrey packs a bag and whines that she doesn't want to go to rehab. Joey retorts that she doesn't care: Audrey has a problem, and she has to go dry out. "I've read the brochures and it doesn't look like fun," Audrey says. Yeah, that's why it's called "rehab" and not "vacation," Audrey. Joey turns and gives her a dirty look, asking if Audrey remembers when Joey found her unconscious. Audrey makes a "duh" face and reminds Joey that she couldn't have, being unconscious. "The doctor said you could have died," Joey tells her. Audrey shrugs that she thinks the doctor was just being "overdramatic," and points out that kids get alcohol poisoning all the time. Well, kids die from it now and then, too, missy. And, with that, I have officially become my mother. Not that I'm all anti-drinking (as my antics this past New Year's Eve surely prove), but one of my college friends was an alcoholic -- a real alcoholic, not just a wild student who liked to tie one on every now and then -- and it was no fun. She used to drive drunk, the whole bit. It was a very bad scene. Anyway. Joey rolls her eyes and repeats that Audrey needs help. And she needs to get surrounded by people she loves: her parents. Audrey makes a face, and sarcastically thanks Joey for calling Ma and Pa Liddell. "That was a fun conversation," she snaps. Joey says nothing, but simply holds up a red sweater and asks if Audrey wants to bring it with her. Audrey snits that it "doesn't accentuate the rack enough." Joey sighs that Audrey needs to concentrate on getting better, not getting laid. Audrey opines that she ought to be able to do both. "What if Ben Affleck is there? He's the sexiest man alive, you know?" she says. Joey just chuckles, instead of pointing out that Ben Affleck wears a rug.
Audrey bounds back into the bathroom to pack the rest of her toiletries and asks Joey if she's packed the five or six Jane magazines that she missed when she was all boozed out. Audrey would read Jane. Since Jane is basically bad-humored and, well, sucky. As is Audrey. Joey promises that they're all packed, along with some InStyles and a tape of Trading Spaces. Oh, please. Audrey doesn't watch Trading Spaces. I can see her watching, say, Days of Our Lives, but not Trading Spaces. Not that there's anything wrong with Days, yo. Now that I'm unemployed -- I mean, "on hiatus" -- I've gotten a little sucked into it. It's on right before Passions! People are hearing voices! Soaps are fun! Anyway, Audrey squeals that Joey is the best. They embrace, as the phone rings. It's Audrey's cab; Joey tells the person on the other end of the line that Audrey will be down in a moment. They hug again, Joey whispering that Audrey needs to try her best to get better. "You can do this," she says. "Blah, blah, blah," Audrey responds. No, that was actually the line. "Can I have a drink at the airport?" she asks. Yeah, she's ready to go clean and sober. Joey, naturally, forbids Audrey to have a drink at the airport, and tells her to call if she does end up having sex with Ben Affleck. Audrey nods and says that when she gets back, she'll be clean, sober, and a hell of a lot more boring. "I can't wait," Joey promises. Audrey looks at her, and then at the floor, and thanks Joey for not giving up on her. They hug again, and then, with a cheery "fly safe!" from Joey, Audrey leaves. As soon as the door closes, she leans against the wall and makes a petulant face. Yeah, Joey totally should have walked her to the cab.
Credits. "I hear this song in my nightmares," the Scully action figure says. "It's worse than that time I got the anal probe," the Mulder agrees.