Dawson's Creek
Sex And Violence

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Sex And Violence

Pacey furrows his brow at this, and he and Joey go into the office, where Bobby is waiting for them. Bobby's first words are, "Who's the looker?" like, who acts like that in 2003? No one. In even the most old-school, old-boys'-club-type company, this kind of behavior would be quashed, but quick. Have none of the writers ever worked in an office? Anyway, Joey acts all offended, so Bobby assures her that it was a compliment. Pacey makes the introductions and asks Bobby why he got rid of his secretary. Bobby explains that he didn't like "her attitude or the cut of her jib." Joey is incredulous that Bobby can fire someone because he doesn't like the way she looks. "Isn't that discrimination?" she asks. Bobby sneers at her. "What is she, human resources?" he asks. Dude, you better be damned glad that she's not. And look, I get that we're not supposed to like Bobby Briggs or anything, but this is so unsubtle. Why don't they just include a scene where he sacrifices and eats a baby and then burns down an orphanage? Bobby asks Joey why she's not in school, and Joey reiterates that she's on spring break. "And what do you do, nine to five, Johnny [sic]?" he asks. Blah blah blah, next thing you know Joey agrees to fill in for Pacey's secretary. Snore.

Speaking of snoring, we cut to Dawson. "It's about a lot of things, but more than anything, it's about what it's like to feel fifteen," he tells Executive Barbie Whitney, over here in sunny and apparently soulless Hollywood. (It is sunny, I'll give them that. But the soulless claims are overstated.) Apparently, El Cabeza is pitching Creek Daze. Again. Hasn't he made this movie twelve times? There's nothing I can say that can adequately describe how much I hate Dawson's filmmaker plotline, if only because these segments make the writers seem like they've never even worked in Hollywood. Also, it's boring. Blah blah blah teenager blah blah blah "I want to direct it" yadda yadda yadda, thank God there are only seven more episodes because I'm about ready to smash my cranium through the television. Whitney diplomatically tells Dawson that she likes the fact that he's got "great passion" for his project. She then wrinkles her nose and tells him that the story is "a little soft." She explains that this company was built on exploitation. Apparently, studio head and erstwhile Breakfast Club disciplinarian Larry "learned everything he knows from Roger Corman." Hey, Roger Corman just fired a friend of mine! Anyway, she suggests that Dawson include "more boobs" in his pitch. Whitney tells Dawson that Larry is "a world-class pervert, "on his third wife. And I'd like to tell Dawson that if he doesn't want to make a teen sex comedy, maybe he ought to pitch his project to someone who doesn't make movies inspired by Roger Corman. Whatever happened to knowing your audience? Take your project to people who are willing to make what you're selling! And for that matter, shouldn't Dawson have an agent or a manager, guiding him as far as this goes? This plot is so dumb! If Dawson specifically wants Larry to buy his pitch, he needs to pitch him something he'll want to buy. If he wants to sell this movie specifically, then he ought to try selling it to someone else! There are plenty of studios and production companies in town. Either pound the pavement with your little vanity project, or make what the studio wants you to make until you have the money and the clout to make your own project, Dawson, you naïve idiot. Also, shut up.

Anyway, Dawson simpers that it must be terrible to work in such an uncomfortable environment, and this leads somehow to a discussion of Whitney's breast implants. Because everyone in Hollywood has fake boobs, haven't you heard? In fact, if I don't get some before the end of the month, I will be legally exiled from Los Angeles county. "If you want to make a movie with us, find a way to tell the story while appealing to the lowest common denominator," Whitney repeats. Please note that she says, "with us." This isn't the only way for Dawson to sell this script, although it might be the only way for him to sell it at this very moment. Whitney advises Dawson to throw in "a stripper, a three-way, or an affair with a teacher or something." Dawson makes a thoughtful face. "I can do that," he says, as his eyes light up at the thought of Ta-MAH-ra Jacobs.

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Dawson's Creek

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