Dawson's Creek
Sex, She Wrote

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Sex, She Wrote

Thanks to Wing and KR.

James Van Der Beek, whose hair looks -- believe it or not -- worse than it has in previous episodes, welcomes us to the WB Wednesday night. After we sit through the customary promo barrage, we fade up about 20 minutes after the end of the last episode. First we see Jack "Not Only Still In The Closet, But Apparently Trapped Under A Large Pile Of Overcoats And Galoshes" McPhee and Joey "Art Imitating Life" Potter, looking awkward and rumpled. Joey asks Jack if he has everything, and he says he thinks he does, and Joey thanks him for posing, and Jack says, "Sure," and they both do a bunch of shrugging. Then we see Jen "Cuchifrito" Lindley and Dawson "Frankenberry" Leery standing in Jen's room; Jen looks nauseated as Dawson begins his trademark Stutter Of In-Depth Analysis, and she cuts him off and says they should sleep on it before they "dissect what just happened," and Dawson says, "Okay." Then we see Andie "Fresh And Full Of Life" McPhee and Pacey "Pacey Witter" Witter canoodling next to the Wittermobile in front of Casa McPhee. Cut back to Jack 'n' Joey. Jack asks Joey if she has any regrets. Joey says no, and they kiss. Cut back to Jen 'n' Dawson. Dawson says, "See you tomorrow?" Jen says, "Mmm hmm." Dawson gazes at Jen condescendingly; Jen gazes at Dawson longingly. They kiss. Jen's eyes stay dreamily closed as Dawson bounds out the front door. Cut back to Pacey 'n' Andie as they walk away from the car. Pacey says, "Thank you," and Andie says, "No, thank you," and Pacey says, "No, thank you," and they back-and-forth that way a little more, Andie beaming, Pacey pensive. Andie walks up her front path. Cut back to Jack 'n' Joey, Jack leaving, Joey bewildered. Cut back to Pacey watching Andie go inside and looking either proud or on the verge of giggling. Cut back to Jen watching Dawson lope across Grams' front lawn and looking kind of puffy and sad. End of Mysterious Who-Got-Busy Montage #1.

Credits. Cat-in-heat warbling; inexplicable slo-mo dance moves.

A few commercials.

Fade up on an old movie playing; in the film, lightning strikes, and an elderly gentleman pronounces the guilt of another character to the accompaniment of Significant Music. Joey smiles in appreciation, Andie stares neutrally at the TV screen, Chris "Teen" Wolf fights to stay awake, Abby "Marquise de Merteuil" Morgan makes a "whatever" face, and Pacey and Jen look receptive but bored. Dawson, apparently in the midst of the most pretentious oral report in the history of secondary schooling, shuts off the movie and expounds from his lighted podium: "So. We can conclude that film mysteries don't differ from literary ones. The genre's still constructed in three sections -- the set-up, the testimonies, and the classic denouement, where all the characters are gathered in one room by the likes of Charlie Chan or Miss Marple, in their final monologue revealing the killer's identity." Pacey and Andie exchange a glance as an anvil labeled "the writers' idea of a subtle leitmotif" plummets from the sky to hit the viewers on the head.

Dawson remarks that the key to solving a crime lies in "a practical understanding of human behavior" and winds up his magnum dopus by saying, "And remember, you never know when a mystery might find you," shutting off his little podium light and cueing a scream sound effect. Mr. Peterson thanks Dawson with a snide comment about his "flair for the dramatic," and calls on Abby. Abby hasn't done her assignment because, she claims, the family Schnauzer downed an entire box of chocolate laxatives and died of internal bleeding. The other kids smirk. Mr. Peterson doesn't believe her, and informs her that if she doesn't turn in her project, he'll give her an F for the semester. The bell rings, and as Mr. Peterson makes an announcement about the next day's mandatory book fair and everyone else shuffles out of the room, Chris spots a folded piece of paper on the floor, which he picks up and reads. Three words I wish he'd read before stepping in front of the cameras with that nappy Mom's House Of Style hair: Shampoo, rinse, repeat.

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Dawson's Creek




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