Dawson's Creek
Something Wild

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B | 1 USERS: F
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Something Wild

Worthington College For Young Ladies. Joey has raced over to the bursar's office to check her grades. Her face turns from nervous and uptight into thrilled and proud when she realizes that she's gotten straight As. Not even any A-minuses! Of course, none of these grades have pluses or minuses attached to them. That's weird. I've never heard of such a thing. What kind of school is that? Joey's making her thrilled face when she notices that there's one grade missing…the one for Professor Creepy's class. But wouldn't you know? He's right behind her! With the grades! "You looking for this?" he asks. "Oh," Joey says. "Oh," what? "Oh, my"? "Oh, crap"? "Oh, I can't transcribe this ridiculous anti-banter for another second"? It turns out to be, in fact, "Oh, Joey got another A!" She leaps into Professor Creepy's arms for a long and totally inappropriate embrace. "You deserve it," he murmurs in her ear. I vomit all over my shoes.

Audrey and Joey hit the local college bar for a little celebratory partying. A band in the background is covering "Jesse's Girl," a song I love because it is probably the only song in the world that uses the word "moot." Audrey and Joey are discussing The Disgusting Hug. "I'm sorry, but hugging the most gorgeous guy on campus could never be just a hug," Audrey says. Oh, did Joey run into the quarterback of the Worthington football team, and hug him on the way to the bar? Or the blond Brit-lit TA who, like, saves abandoned kittens in his spare time? Or, like, the school janitor? Because Prof. Creepy? IS NOT THE MOST GORGEOUS GUY ON CAMPUS. Audrey wants to know how long Joey was ensconced in Creepy's warm embrace. "Okay, we had sex," Joey says. "Really?" Audrey squeals. "Right there, in the bursar's office. On the Formica. It was hot, wild, animalistic sex!" Joey laughs. "I hate you," Audrey says. Joey swears it was no big deal. "No kissing? You swear?" Audrey asks. Joey assures her that there was no lip-lock. Audrey thinks upon it, and decides that the hug "proves there's still hope" for Joey. And that the two of them are going to have a wild, fun time that night! "Tonight, we're going to kiss some boys!" Audrey says. Joey's all, what boys? And Audrey's all, whatever. In fact, she reaches out and grabs the closest boy, asking him to kiss Joey. Joey looks horrified as the guy half-heartedly agrees. Joey shakes her head and reminds Audrey that she can't kiss anyone "until her tongue completely heals." The guy looks, well, appalled. Audrey explains that "there was a piercing incident. It was kind of…bad." They chortle into their beers. Nothing is more fun than lying to boys in bars. I once convinced a bunch of guys that I went to UCLA on a full kick-boxing scholarship. Well, it is the sport of the future.

Liberty Hell, where Chef Danny advises Pacey that he likes Audrey. He really, really likes her. And you know who else he likes? Pacey! Enough to give him a twenty-percent raise and an envelope full of cash. "Happy belated holidays, Chef Witter," he says, adding a promotion to the list of goodies. "I'm glad you stayed." So is Pacey! Especially because of the cash.

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Dawson's Creek

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