Dawson's Creek
Teaching Mrs. Tingle

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Annoying Mr. Shack
An ovary sings as Leigh Ann wanders through the scary dream house. She sees all the student projects, which have been graded. She opens up her leather journal to see that Mrs. Tingle gave her a C. Oh, no! The world shall surely end for Leigh Ann now, right? A lifetime of serving coffee because she got a single C. Eh -- I have nothing to add, other than to read the recap for "Self Reliance." Upstairs, Luke is feeding Mrs. Tingle. She acts somewhat flirty. Then she brings up Leigh Ann and how Luke is attracted to her. He says Leigh Ann's not interested in him, but Tingle suggests otherwise, then makes a repulsive allusion to Cleopatra and Antony. Luke says he and Leigh Ann already had their moment and it passed. Tingle convinces him to explain. Turns out he ran into her in some party when they were sophomores. She was uncomfortable there, and the two of them spent the whole night in the bathroom hanging out. That was actually rather subtle. The first time I saw this, I had forgotten about Jo Lynn's story about this party earlier. Mrs. Tingle says, "Sounds incredibly Zhivago." Oh, look. My skin. It's crawling. Can we not refer to any piece of literature that would not be classified as "young adult" in relationship with Luke, please? Anyway, the next day, Leigh Ann acted like he didn't exist. Oh, look, in comes Leigh Ann. "Enter, Ophelia," says Mrs. Tingle. Leigh Ann gives her a "the hell?" look. As do I. Whatever. Jo Lynn comes in with a disposable camera. They start their little blackmail scheme. Luke starts to undo his pants. Ew. Ew. Ew. Make it stop! I want my mommy! They all stop when they hear the gate open. Luke rushes over the window to look outside. It's Coach Wenchell, walking his bike into the front yard. I love you, Coach Wenchell. I owe you my eyeballs. The kids panic as Wenchell approaches the house. Jo Lynn gags Tingle as the other two head downstairs. Wenchell rings the doorbell and knocks. He's holding flowers. He uses a key from under the flowerpot outside to get in. Leigh Ann and Luke hide in some room next to a painting that probably costs thousands of dollars. Wenchell works his way upstairs. Jo Lynn locks herself in the room with Tingle, keeping Wenchell from coming in by again impersonating Tingle and telling him she's not feeling well. Winchell says, "It's me, Spanky." Ugh. My skin has crawled off my body and is hiding in the bathroom until this movie is over. Wenchell says, "I miss my chilly mama," causing Jo Lynn to scream. Like, ha ha. Not (tm Sars). Jo Lynn tries to get Wenchell to leave. Mrs. Tingle is making all sorts of noise and thumping the bed, which Jo Lynn is trying to cover up as coughing, et cetera. Wenchell says, "I want my pom poms." My skin draws a bath, because it knows it's going to have to soak for a while. Jo Lynn tells him to go downstairs and she'll come down in a few minutes. He does as she says, singing "Like a Virgin" on the way down. My ears pop off my head and join my skin in the tub. Good thing I can read lips.

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Dawson's Creek

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