Episode Report CardRagdoll: D+ | Grade It Now!
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A dusty "ghost" town appears. Crows cackle. The ground is dusty under his feet. You can hear it crackle as he walks. His face is dirty. Well, what you can see of it behind the mutton-chops. Lincoln walks into a deserted building. Why? Who knows? He says, "Is anyone here?" Kelso from That 70's Show jumps out from behind a fallen table. I guess he was on vacation too, and was looking for a more "intelligent" side project. Dude, Where's My Car? just didn't cut it. Kelso brandishes a gun, and says, "Don't move and I'll shoot." Lincoln puts his arms up. Kelso's semantics confuse Dawson: "Don't move and you'll shoot? What does that mean? If I don't move you're going to shoot me?" Aren't they witty? Can someone please explain to me why Lincoln would end up in an abandoned building in a ghost town anyway? What's up with movie logic? Oh, here's a building in a part of the country overrun by bandits. I think I'll investigate. Hmm. It doesn't seem to be populated. Why, I'll just yell out to see if anyone is there. And tell me, why didn't Dawson jump on a horse after the bandits took the cattle? They didn't kill all the horses. They just killed the people. What happened to the stagecoach? Why is he walking anyway? Man, we're less than fifteen minutes into this film and I'm already totally confused. Right. Kelso's got a gun and it's aimed at Dawson's chest. Dawson says, "My name is Lincoln Rogers Dunnison. You have to understand. I'm not one of the men who did this." Kelso holds the gun out and looks like he's about to burst into tears. Apparently, he's stuck under the table. Dawson offers to help, but only if Kelso will put down the gun. Ah, it's like two little boys playing "cowboys" when they were younger. Too bad they're acting like they're playing, instead of playing like they're acting. Outside. Kelso chases after Lincoln. He yells, "I'm from Missouri!" And it's a big bad world! Gee! What an adventure! Then he explains how he was on a cattle drive when the bandits ambushed them, stole their cattle, and killed everyone. Damn. Those bandits are bad. Lincoln: "They didn't kill you?" Well, Kelso was trapped and they didn't see him. In fact, he's "damn lucky, otherwise he'd be dead too." Then he asks where Lincoln is headed. "Brownsville." What's in Brownsville? The Texas Rangers, of course! Kelso announces that he's going with Dawson. Dawson replies, "It's a long way to Brownsville." I half expect a step dance and some fiddle music. They stop walking. They pause. And Kelso says coyly, "I've got a horse." Then he finally introduces himself as "George Durham."