Episode Report CardRagdoll: D+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Sunset. Horse travel. Music. Coyote. Fire. Sleep under the stars. More coyotes. Wild dogs. George says, "You're not so used to sleeping under the stars, are you?" Dawson looks at him and thinks he's used to sleeping in Capeside. Then Kelso gives him advice about sleeping outdoors. Yeah, apparently, you dig a "hip hole" and then fill a bandana with saw grass and put it under your head. Only neither of them has bandanas. Kelso looks up to the stars with the fire lighting his face and says, "It's the Lord's country, Lincoln." Honest. Lincoln finds the irony in that statement. Kelso further pontificates, "Land this beautiful, no wonder everyone's killing over her." I hate it when they use the female pronoun to refer to land, cars, and boats. It drives me nuts. "She's been here a long time before us. She'll be here a long time to come." Yes. He is talking about Texas. What a pretty woman she is! Dawson says, "You are a philosopher, George Durham." These two have been inhaling more smoke than from the fire, I'll tell you. Hi-yah! Brownsville. There's a hotel. Commerce abounds. There's an outdoor market. Roosters and chickens run around. A menacing man yells, "We're going to protect you people. The least you can do is contribute supplies." Blah starving army, blah keep the crops safe blah. Men rifle through people's wares. They break terra cotta pots. The ringleader yells over to Lincoln and George, telling them to grab as much "grub" as they can, gosh-dangit -- they're going to ride out and catch themselves some bandits! A gun goes off. Dylan rides into town wearing a black suit and some three-day-old stubble. The Ringleader says, "Morning Rangers." What's their business? Well, they're vigilantes without a "Yankee, nigger, or Mexican" among them. Why do people even write films like this? It's still offensive. I don't care how period-specific they claim to be. Dylan shuts the operation down. They have some strange confrontation about Leander being a "preacher-man" from "San Antone." Dylan denies he ever was a preacher-man. He announces that the men can keep their guns to guard their homes, but they do have to go home, this vigilante-rebel army. Dylan's got Robert Patrick and Randy Travis with him. Robert Patrick's got this moustache with handlebars longer than a banana-seat bicycle. Dylan gives them one minute to "take a vote." What are they voting for? Didn't he just tell them all to go home? Right, Dylan only says "take a vote" so that the Rebel leader can say, "Hey preacher-man, the vote's in," and shoot at him. Bam! The Rebel leader ends up on the ground. Dylan's a quick draw. Yawn. He trots up to the dying man on his horse. The Rebel leader says, "Say me the last rites, preacher. Before He takes me." Dylan says, "I ain't no preacher." He rides away, announcing that the Texas Rangers are recruiting. They can ask for him, Leander McNelly, Frank Bone (Randy Travis), or Sergeant Armstrong (Robert Patrick).