Episode Report CardRagdoll: D+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The next morning, Dawson saddles up. McNelly stands on his own horse behind him. Leander asks, "You riding somewheres, Mr. Dunnison?" Yes. He's leaving, because "the captain was nearly killed due to [his] conduct." He purses his lips. You'd think it was Joey on that horse and not Emperor Rod, the way he's yammering on about his poor Dawson self. Yawn. He tries to hand the badge back to Leander. Blah the horse is mine, blah Rangers' horse, blah hoping to be sent away, blah not wanted blah. Leander explains that he hired Sam Walters. It's as much his fault as it was Lincoln's. Then he names all the stuff that Dawson is wearing: horse, boots, clothes, and weapons. If he leaves, the Rangers will "hunt him down" for "stolen property." Gaf. Gurgle. Splutter. Sorry. I almost choked on my juice. "The only way you escape a warrant is to remain a Ranger." The music swells. He tosses Dawson back his badge and rides off. What a hero! Vigorous riding. Sweating horses. Stinky, sweaty men. The Rangers cover lots of the burnt-looking map. They arrive in the Mesa Valley. Sandoval tells Leander that Fisher keeps an outpost on the Mesa. Leander pulls out an old-fashioned telescope. He peers off into the distance, imagining his victory, one heroic and tragic at the same time, one for the books, one for the campfires. Kelso stares off into the distance with his mouth wide open. Usher mutters, "But do we know how many? Shouldn't we know how many?" Emperor Rod insists that they need to send a patrol. He screams, "Berry! Durham! Dunnison! Ride with Sandoval and me." Robert Patrick leans in, his moustache arriving first, "Takin' a scout, Captain?" Usher rolls his eyes. I refuse to call any of them by the names of their characters. They aren't acting. They are barely pretending. I have never seen a bunch of cowboys in a Western film look less like a bunch of cowboys in my life. Ouch. There goes John Wayne turning over in his grave. He's trying to stop John Ford from wincing up in the rolling hills of heaven. Usher mutters to himself about getting himself shot. He stumbles around the semi-rock trail, towards a hill. He pulls out his gun, and then acts startled when he hears wranglers from the other side. Out comes the telescope. He crouches down and peers off toward the encampment. Wild men are being all wild. Drinking whiskey. Screaming. Well, some of them are sleeping, but most of them are just raising Cain. Usher races back to the other Texas Rangers. He reports, "Five men. Fisher's men. Armed. They've got a supply wagon." They're all dirty. Every last one of them. I guess they don't want to waste the water on washing. Dylan lays down the law. He wants to win this battle at all costs, but he wants the expense to be paid on the side of the outlaws. Dawson scrunches his eyebrows. His ten-gallon hat is weighing heavily on his head of marshmallow man proportions. Now, they've got to be careful -- this isn't like practice -- these targets will be shooting back. Dylan says, "You hesitate, and you're dead."