Dawson's Creek
The Bostonians

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The Bostonians

Props to Sars. She put in some hard time here, folks. Hard, hard time. Also, she kicks ass.

Previously, on Dawson's Creek: Joey and Pacey hooked up, then broke up; the gang graduated in a big old 90210-esque flurry of cap-throwing and gown-wearing; Dawson and Joey stood in front of that godforsaken window of his and kissed, turning viewers everywhere to stone.

But wait! There's more. According to the Announcer Dude, "it's a whole new year," a new year for which we get to watch a long, long preview. Apparently, Dawson will go to Hollywood; Joey will run around Boston; Jen will make out with Tristan from Gilmore Girls; Joey will cry on her bed; Dawson will cry in his car; Joey will stand on some grass somewhere and look all thoughtful; Jack will dole out high-fives whilst being carried around on the shoulders of cute boys; and Joey will obsess about how she's "completely and totally on [her] own for the first time in [her] life". The Announcer Dude declares this "the beginning of an unforgettable new season." Yes, I predict I will be reliving this season in therapy for years to come.

Sad Piano Music tinkles in the background as Dawson and Joey stand in front of his bedroom window and mack, kill-me-now-style. Some dude, whose voice I don't recognize, launches into a ponderous voice-over. "And then, just like that, they were kissing," he says. I betcha Voice-over Guy is someone's professor, reading somebody's poorly written creative-writing assignment. How do I know that? I've watched television for almost twenty-seven years now. "She didn't know how they got there. She had no idea. The thought of kissing him hadn't crossed her mind in years. It was weird, because once upon a time that was all she ever thought about. And, then, just like that, it was over." We cut to a classroom, where Joey sits at a long table in a skimpy top and looks uncomfortable. And yes, thank you, Voice-over Guy is her professor, and unless Joey's awkward expression is out of sympathy for the author of this piece, it is indeed her essay. "He coughed. She shuffled her feet. And she laughed to herself. It had been one of those moments. One of those moments where you shuck your status as mere mortal and achieve, however briefly, true greatness. She had shared many such moments with this boy. But now he was leaving, and nothing would ever be the same again."

The professor looks up from Joey's paper, and scans the class. Editorial sidebar: "Achieve true greatness"? Call me crazy, but I doubt Dawson's that great a kisser. Also, ew. The professor asks for the class's opinion of Joey's story. One tubby guy dubs it "incredibly banal." Go, Tubby Guy! Also, I find it hard to believe that a freshman could get into such a small creative writing class her first semester in college, but, admittedly, I went to a very large and public institution where some people didn't even get into a dorm room their first semester, so what do I know? Anyway, Joey looks pained. The girl next to her gushes that Joey's piece is "brilliant," calling it a combination of "Joyce Carol Oates and Judy Blume." I can't even imagine how a combination of Joyce Carol Oates and Judy Blume would read, but I do know it would be both funnier and weirder than Joey's effort. Cue some Joyce Carol Oates bashing and a little tiresome Judy Blume-as-guide-to-the-psyche-of-the-teenage-girl banter from the professor, who really just read Judy Blume because, you know, sometimes she wrote about boobies. As her professor yammers, Joey puts her hand over her face and dies inside. Her paper comes floating down in front of her, landing on her desk, a big fat red C right on the front. The Professor looks down at her and tells her that he has good news and bad news. Good? That class is over. Bad? "You are obviously a writer," he says, "which means the torture has just begun." Whatever. Please, spare me the Tortured Writer, Suffering For Her Art shtick, because, frankly, I don't think I can stomach that on top of Dawson's nauseating and constant Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man routine -- in addition, of course, to his monstrous Love Child Of Glenn Close And John Tesh appearance.

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