Dawson, on the other hand, just exhales cheerfully and trots right up to the security guard guarding the entrance to the movie lot where his internship must be located. It looks like the Sony lot to me, but it's hard to say. Anyway, the guy working the gate is, like, the folksiest security guard ever. My roommate used to work on the Sony lot, and I occasionally would go to visit her, and this is the conversation I used to have with the guards:
Guard: Have a nice day.
Nowadays, of course, security is a little tighter, but no one acts the way this guy acts toward Dawson, who's all chattering about how this is his first day and bliddy blah blah, please listen to his life story because he needs constant attention and ego gratification blah. The guard asks Dawson if he's nervous. Dawson admits that he is. While the guard pops into his little hut to check for Dawson's name on his Big Boy's List Of New Interns To Help And Guide, Dawson almost gets run over by a silver Porsche. Hit the gas, lady! Sadly, Dawson scampers out of the way in time. Soon, Folksy ambles out and gives Dawson the go-ahead, along with some directions. Dawson turns to go, but Folksy calls him back. "Dawson," he calls, "try not to get lost in there." Oh, spare me. Dawson grins in response, and heads onto the lot. Is it too much to hope that a boom mike falls on his head? ["Yes -- especially since it's the boom mike that would sustain the most damage in that transaction." -- Sars]
Cut to Boston Bay College, where Jack and Jen walk around with cups of coffee and new hairdos. Jen's hair? Ass. Crimpy, drab-colored, lank ass. Jack's? The new highlights aren't bad, but he's about two precarious inches away from a mullet. It's pretty horrific. When I finally regain my sight, I notice that Jen is walking like a duck. Has she always walked like a duck? ["Duck, truck, same difference." -- Sars] Her red pants are super cute, though. They natter a bit about all the hot guys on campus, a conversation that naturally turns to discussion of Tobey and "the loneliness of a long-distance relationship." Jen sighs that "it's better than the loneliness of a no-distance relationship." She admits that "that doesn't make sense" before I can even finish typing the words "that makes no sense." Behind them, two guys toss a football. Jack sips his java and opines that Jen "needs to get some, and soon," before she "achieves 'born-again virgin' status." Jen laughs awkwardly, but Jack reminds her that the last guy she slept with was Henry, "which means last year was a total wash for [her]." ["Waaaaaait a second. When did she sleep with Henry? Oh, that's right. I don't care anymore. Carry on." -- Sars] Jen laughs again. "Tell me about it," she says. If time spent without sex is "a total wash," then, the last…you know what? That's none of your business. Jack then points out that Jen's "a lot more fun" when she's dating. "Watching you twist yourself into little knots of anxiety. It's entertaining," Jack chortles. "Good to know," Jen says, casting about frantically for another topic of conversation. A football suddenly comes sailing toward them. Jack plucks it neatly out of the air, as a pretty good-looking guy comes trotting up to retrieve it. "Nice throw," Jack says. "Thanks, man," the guy responds, giving both of them the old once-over before inviting them to a party at "the Sigma Ep house." Jen looks at her lap and tries not to laugh, but Jack just grins. "Everything's free," the guy says cheerfully, "punch, beer, shots." Well, I'm there. Jack chirps that they'll be there. "Rock on, dude," Jen mutters, shooting the guy the sign of the devil as he trots off. Heh. She gives Jack a long look. "'Cool, we'll be there'?" she asks. Jack insists the party will be fun, and points out that she might meet someone. Because you're a failure if you're single! A big fat failure! With no reason to live! Jen sort of snorts. "You didn't think that guy was hot?" Jack asks. "Sure, in a Dumb Guy With A Dream kinda way," Jen says. Jack nods. "Nicely put," he says.
Chung-chung over to Joey's palatial -- and unrealistically well-decorated, with framed prints and full beds and matching duvet covers and embroidered pillows and fresh flowers -- dorm room, where she's hitting the books and trying as hard as she can to have absolutely no fun. The door opens, admitting Joey's roommate (played by Busy Philipps, a.k.a. Kim from the late and much lamented Freaks and Geeks). Joey's nice enough to give her a name, "Audrey," right off the bat, so I don't have to give her some long awkward acronym. Audrey pleadingly asks Joey to "do her a favor." Joey grimaces. "As long as it doesn't involve me leaving this room," she snips. Briefly; is it me, or is Joey just about the crabbiest college freshman ever? All last year, she was completely stressed about getting out of Capeside and into college, and now she's there and she isn't enjoying it at all. Not to sound like someone's mom or anything, but, seriously? College is fun. Enjoy it while you can. And clean your room. Audrey just looks at Joey, all puppy-dog eyes. "It involves me leaving this room, doesn't it?" Joey asks. But, see, Audrey's got this really cute boy waiting outside, and…Joey rolls her eyes. "The one with the tattoo of his frat on his ankle?" she asks. Audrey, who's touching up her make-up at her dressing table (she has a dressing table? In her dorm room? Sweet Christ), rolls her eyes. "No, that was Tom," she explains, and tells Joey that she and poor Tom are finito. Tom, it appears, is "a bad kisser. HOB." Joey raises her brows questioningly. "'Hair On Back.' Gross," Audrey translates. Joey seems to have left her sense of humor in Capeside -- or, you know, back in 1998 -- and wonders glumly if Audrey is aware how much time she -- Joey -- has spent "sexiled" in the library this semester. Please don't think that I don't sympathize with Joey's predicament here. My roommate freshman year was really, really nuts. And she had this horrible Axl-Rose-Meets-Truckstop-Transient type boyfriend, and they were always having sex in our tiny little room, and then eating fried chicken and leaving the carcass on the carpet -- literally, on the carpet, not even on a plate -- and it was horrible, but Delilah (her real name!) was crazy and horrible all over the place (she used to change her tampons in the room! I know!), whereas Audrey is fundamentally very likeable. Besides, doesn't Joey have any other friends in her dorm? When Delilah would kick me out, I'd crash with one of my friends on our floor. Surely, at the very least, Joey could go over to Jen's and let Grams feed her the milk and cookies she obviously needs, both for her personal happiness and because she could cut someone with that collarbone.