Home For Wayward Girls, Boston Branch. Joey, Jen and Jack wander around Grams's new, clean kitchen and talk about the heretofore missing-in-action Pacey Witter. Jack speculates that he's in "Bora Bora," and wonders if he's "gone Kurtz." Jen looks confused. "Brando, Apocalypse Now," Joey supplies. Or, you know, the guy in Heart of Darkness, the book on which Apocalypse Now is based. Isn't that required reading anymore? I hated it, myself, but I still had to read it! And walk home five miles in the snow. Uphill. Both ways. Yeah, in case you're wondering, I've officially become someone's mother. My own, I think. Case in point: I saw a girl in Kinko's the other day, and I actually thought, "She'd be so pretty if she'd get her hair off her face." Apparently, I'm old, thank you. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Pacey. Jen slyly wonders if maybe he's in Boston. Or Capeside, for that matter. Joey sighs that, no matter where he is, she just wants him to be happy. With that, she gets up to leave, hoping aloud that Audrey is, you know, done. See? She did go to Jen's house instead of the library! For Jen's part, she opines that perhaps Audrey has "a promising career in porn," like every girl who ever got it on with more than one guy in a four-month period of time is a potential porn star. Whatever, Miss New York Past. Jack makes some amusing bow-chicka-wow-wow noises as Joey insists, wide-eyed, that she never knows what "seedy little vignette" she's going to walk in on when she gets home. "It's the same thing here," Jen says. "You never know who Grams is going to bring home from bingo." Jack and Joey chuckle. Before Joey can make her escape, Jack brings up The Frat Party That Launched A Thousand Previews. He really wants to go. "We need to reinvent ourselves," Jack insists. As an explanation for Jack's enthusiasm, Jen mentions the Dumb Guy With A Dream. Jack blushes. Joey shakes her head, amused, and leaves.
Over on my side of the country -- and, really, I wish he'd vacate my neck of the woods -- Dawson has somehow wandered onto the set of whichever crap movie Todd, his new boss, is filming. The aforesaid Todd is in the process of chewing out his entire crew with the help of a megaphone and a phony baloney British accent. "You're a disgrace to the industry in which you toil!" he shouts, although it comes out "Whore a diss-grass to th' indisstreeee in wish 'ou toll," what with the fake accent and all. "Call yourselves a film crew? James Cameron would have had you all taken out and shot by now." James Cameron has also left his wife for his leading lady, like, three times. And he's a jerk. I don't know that he's the gold standard by which all directors should be judged. Eventually Todd catches sight of Dawson, who's just standing there in the middle of the set, his mouth wide open. "Who are you, and why are you staring at me?" Todd spits. Dawson manages to squeak out that he's "the new intern" and he has this script that "Heather" gave him, and she told him to give it to Todd and it's really, really important, and Todd needs to read it between takes, and Dawson really wants to be a movie director and he's so happy to be there, and does Todd know Steven Spielberg, and, if so, can he introduce them? Todd gives the script a cursory glance. "Crap. I'm sure of it," he begins. "Heather doesn't have the best taste in material. She's pretty hot, though, isn't she?" Dawson grins smarmily. "Can't argue with that," he says. Men. They're disgusting. Well, these two men are disgusting, anyway. Not to mention unprofessional. And irritating. And unattractive. And -- oh, I could go on all day. Todd tosses the script back to Dawson and tells him to read it and give him -- Todd -- the lowdown later. Dawson's all beside himself with joy, especially when Todd tells him he can sit in Todd's chair. The director's chair! Memo to Dawson: interns always read the crap scripts. That's one of their main jobs. And it's not fun after the first twenty scripts, all of which involve, like, a crotchety old cop and his younger, naïve partner and, also, this really hot chick who takes a lot of showers. Be that as it may, however, Dawson beams, and Todd goes back to berating his crew. Dawson scampers over to Todd's chair, sits down, and opens the script. Instead of reading, though, he looks around the set and chortles at his own good fortune.