Weezer sings us into Joey's dorm. She hesitates before her room, and covers her eyes with her hand before slowly pushing the door open. She peels her fingers away from her face slowly to reveal Audrey, My New Girlfriend, fully clothed, alone, and reading a magazine. "Hey! Have you ever had an orgasm?" Audrey asks cheerfully. That's how I greet guests in my home, by the way. Joey's jaw drops. "What?" she asks. Audrey turns "Hash Pipe" down a notch and repeats the question. Joey icily responds that she doesn't care to discuss that with someone she barely knows. "I am your roommate, Joey!" Audrey says. "As such, I reserve the right to raise such topics as oral sex, feminine hygiene and orgasms." Joey sits down on her bed gingerly and says nothing as Audrey barrels on. "I don't think I ever had one in high school. I mean, I thought I did, but Zack convinced me otherwise." Joey makes a face. Oh, loosen up, Joey! College is all about talking about orgasms and blowjob techniques with your girlfriends. Along with, you know, all the learning and stuff. Audrey then wistfully remarks that it's too bad she had to end it with the Orgasm-Giving Zack. Joey's shocked that it's over with the two of them already. "Yes," Audrey says. "He tried to talk me into a threesome! I may be easy, but I'm not sleazy. He's history." Joey blinks. "Sorry, I guess," she offers. "It's hard work finding the right boy. Which makes a nice segue into our next topic," Audrey says. Joey shoots her roommate a fearful look. "Which is?" she asks. "I'm afraid for you, Joey," Audrey reveals. "I'm afraid you're not having the proper college experience." Joey makes "leave me alone, Nosy Parker"-type noises, but Audrey persists. "Some people actually want to study and get a good education," Joey finally tells her, snippily. "That's not it, Joey," Audrey says, and tells Joey that she thinks Joey is "afraid to have fun," because if she let herself go and enjoyed herself for once, she might meet someone she likes, and actually start the next phase of her life instead of living in the freaking past constantly. "I know you're sad your special guy couldn't come this weekend, I get that. I'm highly intuitive," Audrey offers. "But maybe that's a good thing, you know?" You don't know the half of it, Audrey. You think Joey's a buzzkill? Wait until you meet Dunston. Joey looks down, and then tells Audrey that Audrey "really doesn't know that much about [Joey's] life." Audrey is silent for a moment, then flops back on her bed, looking hurt. "And whose fault is that, I wonder?" she asks, and turns the radio back up. ["Also…what 'life'?" -- Sars]
Elsewhere in Boston, there is a boat. And on that boat is Pacey. Who has just been brought a coffee by Jen, who assures him that no one knows where he is. They actually think he might be in Bora Bora, whispering "the horror, the horror!" Pacey sips his iced-coffee beverage and listens as Jen gleefully explains that she floated the rumor that he's actually in Boston, but no one bought it! Pacey, by the way, has become like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now in one respect: he seems to have put on some weight. Not Marlon Brando-type weight, or anything, mind you, and I actually think he looks okay a bit beefier, like he's becoming a man or something. His hair, though, is really too big. I know they're trying to make his head look bigger, to go with his bigger body, because nothing is worse than a man who looks like his head is too small for his body, but…I don't know. It's not that flattering. I mean, he's had better hair. Actually, every single person on this show has had better hair in the past than they do in this episode, with the exception of Dawson, and I suspect this may be a plot on the Beek's part. Like he's paying off the hairdressers, telling them to make the rest of the cast look as cruddy as possible in exchange for two hundred bucks and as many donuts from craft services as they can cram down their gullets. Anyway, to recap: Pacey's put on some weight, his hair is sort of unfortunate, he's still much cuter than Dawson. Moving on. "And Joey?" Pacey asks. Jen explains that Joey "likes to imagine that [Pacey] is happy." Pacey nods. "Which I am, thanks," he says. Jen looks at him for a moment, then invites him to Sunday night dinner at Grams's. "You feel like a home-cooked meal? We'll leave the light on for you," she tells him. He demurs politely, and wonders her about Dawson's whereabouts. Jen yammers something about Dawson chasing his stupid dream, and Pacey chirps something about how Dawson's doing the right thing, "moving forward" or something. I don't know. I hear the word "Dawson" and sort of drift. That may come back to bite me in the ass as far as my employment here at MBTV goes, now that I think about it. Michelle Williams, God bless her heart, makes a little face at the whole "Dawson is chasing his dream! His dream!" bit of dialogue. Pacey smiles and leans down and hugs her, and asks her to "keep on keeping on [their] little secret." She will, she says, but "not forever." Then she leaves, and Pacey looks all pensive, but not unhappy, and that's all the Pacey you get this week. Sorry, kids.
The Fanciest Dorm Room In The History Of The World. Audrey, in a short skirt and revealing top, has her foot up on Joey's bed, and is kibitzing with Jen and Jack. Joey walks into the room, with really bizarre crimped/wavy hair, and smiles sort of nervously at the crowd. Audrey tells Joey that Jack and Jen have been filling her in on Joey's "shockingly sordid romantic history." Joey sarcastically says that she assumes she can skip the intros, in that case. Audrey nods enthusiastically. "Jen is my new best friend," she says, "and Jack will heretofore be known as Joey's very cute guy friend." Jen chortles. "No, he's Joey's very cute gay friend," she corrects. "No, really?" Audrey asks. "Pretty gay," Jack says casually. Hee! Cue more talk about how Jack Is Really Gay, and after Kerr Smith turns to the camera and mouths, "Not really," the four of them head out for the frat party.