I've got nothing left, folks. Nothing. I just don't care anymore. Joey's a bitch? Fine, don't care. Dawson's a smug, self-absorbed suck? Whatever, don't care. The writing is the primetime-drama equivalent of stereo assembly instructions translated poorly from the Japanese? Carry on, don't care. Don't care, can't care, haven't cared for a while, don't anticipate caring again for a good long time, and should never have cared in the first damn place, so if you'll excuse me, I have to go marinate in the sweet sweet love of the Samuel Adams brewery, so here's the recap: the gang graduated, and Pacey bolted to Florida. Okay? Can I go now?
"No"? "NO"? Look, I've suffered enough for you people! I've driven to Pennsylvania in the middle of the night! I've posted bail for literary conventions! I've sat at this desk with a bottle of tequila hooked up to an IV and a noose around my neck, and it's not like I get paid to -- oh. Right. Oh, dear. Okay, then. My mistake. Sorry.
Previously on They've Finally Broken Sars's Spirit And Left Her A Bitter, Gasping Husk Of Her Radiant Former Self: Gretchen ditched Dawson, but not before signing his yearbook using one-hundred-percent pure Vermont maple syrup as ink; Pacey told Joey that she deserves better than Capeside, and that he is Capeside; Jen harangued Grams into moving to Boston; Mr. K offered Pacey a job as a deckhand on his yacht.
Front lawn of Capeside High. Principal Derek Smalls, sporting a mullet that looks like he used a fan to style it, blathers on expositionally by welcoming the seniors to the graduation rehearsal, blah blah blah. Seniors mill about, not listening. Quick shot of the assembled gang. Principal Smalls tunes up the bass for an expositional rendering of "Ramble On," but not before letting us know that Joey won the Capeside Pinnacle Award and will therefore deliver the salutatorian speech at graduation. How convenient. Shot of Joey "Friends, Romans, Countrymen -- Lend Me Your Spine" Potter doing the blushing thing. Apparently, she has to give her speech, or a version thereof, at the rehearsal, and Principal Smalls calls on her to do so; pulling a "whatever" face, she heads for the podium, to sarcastic applause. "Go West, Young" Dawson Leery yucks it up. Pan across Jen "The Night The Lights Went Out On" Lindley, biting her lip wistfully, and Jack McPhee "-berace," grinning. Joey approaches the mic with trepidation, admits that her speech "isn't quite ready yet," adds that she doesn't have anything to say right now, and thanks the audience. The gang claps sardonically some more. Joey tromps back down, fists stuffed in pockets, and sourly tells them not to say a word. Dawson puts his hand over his heart and blinks rapidly, "overcome." Joey glares at him. Heh. Principal Smalls warns the assembled not to think about pulling any graduation-related pranks, and the gang turns to look expectantly at Drue "The Lizard King" Valentine, who smiles and ducks his head all "don't look at me." Principal Smalls makes a joke about security "tighter than Ricky Martin's pants." The joke bombs, and then in turn the joke about the joke bombing also bombs, and I think my joke about the joke about the joke bombing bombing just bombed also. See? When I said I had nothing, I meant it.