Dawson's Creek
The Impostors

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The Impostors

…where she yelps that he has to come back to class! She doesn't know what's going on, she admits, but he can't back down when Flip-Flops gets in his face. Oliver snits that she's right: she doesn't know what's going on with him. He basically tells her to butt out and then stomps off like a little girl. Joey looks stunned by the continuing failure of her It. I consider investing in a sleeper sofa, so as to snooze through the rest of this abysmal final season in comfort.

Anyway. Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey is looking for Oliver, but he's not there. She noses around until Emma finally reveals that Oliver isn't really a Worthington student. Joey sputters that she totally knew that, but actually does a rather poor job of concealing her shock. My God, people. Oliver is…no, I can't say it. It's too horrible, what Oliver does. Okay, I'll whisper it. People, Oliver is…auditing a class! Will no one think of the children? Joey decides that she needs to go harass Oliver about this, so she exposits that she's going to snoop around in the personnel files in the office until she finds his address, and then she's going to stalk him.

The most boring movie set in the whole wide world. Whitney is watching the most recent footage of Natasha, which she dubs "adequate instead of abysmal." I wish I could say the same about this episode. Anyhoo, blah blah blah, because Dawson is a genius, he helps the editor recut said adequate footage, while Todd and Whitney argue about how they used to date and how he dumped her for a stripper. That's such a nice story. Eventually, Dawson shows Whitney the recut footage, and she decides that she doesn't want to shut down production anymore. I seriously doubt that any of this plotline is realistic whatsoever. I'm quite sure, however, than none of it is interesting.

Jack goes to see Professor Unambiguously Closeted at his office. Jack's been thinking about the paper all day, he says. "If I hadn't been so shocked about what you said to me the other night, would this C-minus have been any higher?" he asks. Professor Unambiguously Closeted dubs this a low blow, but Jack stands his ground, saying that he's trying to make "an informed decision." Professor Unambiguously Closeted stares at the wall as Jack says that if the answer to that question is "yes," then maybe Professor Unambiguously Closeted should ask him again. He might get a different answer. Professor Unambiguously Closeted simply doesn't know what to say. So Jack keeps talking. He says it's one thing to be a gay teenager, afraid of what everyone will think of him. But Professor Unambiguously Closeted is an adult, and a married one. By staying in the closet, Professor Unambiguously Closeted is "ruining lives on a much larger scale," Jack says. Professor Unambiguously Closeted sniffs that not everybody is willing to spend their lives being part of "a despised minority." Dude, at what college is he teaching pop-culture studies? I'm not denying that gays and lesbians face homophobia every day. But at a small liberal arts college in Massachusetts in the, er, pop-culture department? (Is there a pop-culture department? Would that be in the media studies department instead? Television and film? I don't know. Why am I fixated on this?) I bet the halls are chockablock with folks of all kinds of sexual orientation. People, I lived on the arts floor in the dormitory in college. I was an English major. I was the president of the drama club in high school. I used to work in interior design. I've spent the last ten years of my life surrounded by gay men. And most of them aren't nearly as miserable as either Professor Unambiguously Closeted or Jack. And…what the hell was my point here? Ah, yes. I find Professor Unambiguously Closeted's, you know, closetedness -- at his age, in his profession, and in Boston -- to be a little bit unrealistic. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to know why, exactly, every hottie Jack runs into is issue-ridden. Surely there are some guys at Boston Bay College who are here, queer, and over it already. I just don't understand why all of Jack's plotlines revolve around hot guys who are in the closet, anyway. Why can't he join a band, for example? Or, you know, go to work in a bar with a cute non-student bartender who can't resist his It? Or something? Where was I? Oh, yeah. Jack huffs that if that's true, then maybe Professor Unambiguously Closeted should ask himself who's doing the despising. Hey, way to go, Jack. At last, you're sort of standing up for yourself. Now, you treat yourself! You go out to a club full of gay, naked, dancing boys and you kiss one of them! Jack leaves. Professor Unambiguously Closeted looks sad and thoughtful.

Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Jen, looking cute in a striped boatneck top, trips backstage, where she finds Audrey looking vaguely more hardcore than usual in phony new facial piercings and a cute plaid skirt. Audrey wonders if Jen saw Pacey in the audience, but Jen explains that she couldn't tell, because it was "way too crowded" out there. Audrey makes a nervous face, but swears to Jen that she's not suffering from stage fright in the least. Jen offers that Audrey seems sort of tense, and then decides that this would be a good time to discuss their drunken antics of the previous episode. Audrey lies that she doesn't remember anything that happened that night, like, at all. Jen looks sad. And thin. And sad again. But there's no time to talk about Audrey's new alcoholism or her problems with Pacey, because Emma and her fishnet shirt pop into the frame and yelp that they're on. "The piercings are a nice touch, by the way," she says as she and Audrey take the stage. "Screw this up and I'll kill you," she calls as Audrey goes to the microphone, where she introduces the band, the Hells Belles, as anemically as possible. Jen watches from the audience. Nice to see them giving Michelle Williams such a meaty plot line, what with all the nodding and the smiling.

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Dawson's Creek

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