Dawson's Creek
The Kids Are Alright (1)

Episode Report Card
Jessica: C+ | Grade It Now!
Hysterical Blindness

And now I have to look away. Because Dawson is talking about how Joey is like, his inspiration and crap, but all I hear is, "I'm about to have sex with you" and I really just want to die. Shut up! Shut! Up! Cut! Cut! For the love of all that is holy and true, please, please cut the scene now, please! Please, please! Please! Oh, I want to die. Anyway, I guess he's saying something about how she challenges him or some shit and there's all this lovely-dovey staring at each other and could this please end now? "You're with me everywhere I go," Dawson says. "Which is why I can go three months without calling you and still swoop back in expecting a little free booty." Staring. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. A world of ew. A universe of ew. Ew, infinity. "Happy Birthday," Dawson repeats. Joey sets the globe on her bedside table. They hug. He rubs her back creepily. Still hugging. Still hugging. Oh no. God, no. Please, God, no. Tinkly psychotic sex music starts and I have to look away. Katie Holmes looks like she's about to be executed by a firing squad. They gaze. I can't watch. Ew. Ew. Oh, God. Ew. Okay, so they kiss and then they have sex. I can't get into the details. I just can't. Please don't make me. Please, please, don't make me. Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm so sorry. Oh, God, why me? Why? Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhy? Oh, God, his hands are everywhere on her! AND I CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE! My eyes! My EYES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Thus ends part one.

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Dawson's Creek




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