Dawson's Creek
The Kiss

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The Kiss

Cuttest we to the House Of Leery? Aye! The faithless hussy saith: "I never thought I'd call my husband a liar." Zounds! Quoth Mitch: "Excuse me?" Pronounceth the faithless hussy: "So, tell me, Mitch, why do you lie? What could you possibly gain by lying to me?" Dost we not find it ironical in the highest degree that the faithless hussy, who hast fornicated outside the marital bed, takest to task her cuckold Mitch? Aye, that we do. Saith the injured, meretricious one: "I have no idea what you're talking about." Dissembling! Deception! Begorrah! Faithless hussy: "Oh. You tell me everything's fine with us, you tell me nothing's a problem, that my worst fears are unfounded, yet something tells me that's NOT what you're telling Drake, Witherspoon, and Hall." And there was revealed by the hussy a business card. Mitch: "It was one meeting, Gale." Faithless hussy: "Because you want a divorce?" Mitch: "Because I'm not sure I can stay married to a woman who I love and hate in equal measure." 'Sblood! Mitch seeketh options in the wilderness of lust and betrayal, but hell hath no fury like a faithless hussy deceived: "You can either give me another chance, wholeheartedly, or you can go back to Mr. Drake and write him a very large check and make this marriage another statistic. Either one of those options sound appealing, Mitch?" Mitch respondeth, "Yes. I just don't know which one yet." Soundeth like "fie ye, faithless hussy" to me. O realistic dialogue, why hast thou forsaken us?

Cut to full moon. Dawson, out of breath, finds Joey at the marina and begins defensive maneuvers, but Joey cuts him off with a beleaguered, "Dawson, it's okay," and begins to explain why she didn't go to France, even though "[she] wanted to so badly," which sounds a little like she said "[she] wanted YOU so badly," but she didn't really say that, thank God. Anyhow, she says she could have started over and not been Joey the waitress or Joey the daughter of a convict or Joey who makes that little disdainful "ecch" sound out of the side of her mouth, but "I didn't go to France because it just seemed like the easy way out, you know," and anyone who has ever gone to France and tried to make themselves understood to a taxi driver wouldn't use the word "easy," but okay, I see her point, namely that she didn't want to escape "from my life, which aside from a few highlights is pretty pathetic." No arguments here. She goes on to say, "It just seemed like sticking around here would only make me stronger." (Translation: I know Jen still has eyes for my boy, and under the possession-is-nine-tenths-of-ownership principle, I know better than to leave the two of them alone watching The Lost World.) She worries aloud about the complications of their "relationship" now compared to those of their friendship, and Dawson tells her that "what you and I have may never be simple, but that doesn't mean we're not going to be scorching." All the Maalox in the world can't help me now as Dawson starts telling her that they can have "a little of France right here in Capeside" and does his walking-backwards charming-tour-guide-in-Paris routine, including a reference to "le swing-set." Excusez-moi, Dawsonne -- PAS DE FROMAGE. Merci, adieu. They sit on the swings and Dawson "La Tete D'un Boite Du Cereale" Leery informs Joey about other "Francophile opportunities in town" as they sit down on neighboring swings but facing opposite ways, which always seems like a cute romantic idea but which only gives you a crick in your neck, and then they say "French toast" and "French doors" and then they, um, start Frenching while some Joe Cocker wannabe sings on the soundtrack, and it reminds me of the scene in Better Off Dead where Lane's mother brings out the French dressing and the French fries and the French toast for the exchange student and then whips out a bottle of Perrier and says, "...and to drink, Peru!" and Joey says, "French kiss...the second kiss...the rational one..." and something else annoying that I didn't catch. Dawson tells her that they're replacing the Rialto with another movie theater with "bigger seats, bigger screen, better sound," and I suppose this functions as a metaphor for the so-called upgrade in their relationship, and since the new theater will probably show mindless crap like Armageddon and A Night At The Roxbury, I would say that that metaphor TOTALLY WORKS. Joey doesn't understand "why they have to change something if it already works," just to beat us over the head with it, and Dawson tells her it could be even better and how simple it will be, and how the second kiss put him in the mood for a third, and then they kiss again and the Joe Cocker wannabe starts in again and mercifully the end credits arrive.

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Dawson's Creek

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