Dawson's Creek
The Kiss

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The Kiss

The credits. Video-verite clowning around of cast members; painful caterwauling of Paula Cole; J.Crew wardrobe.

Morning in Capeside. Dave Matthews-wannabe band on soundtrack. Joey and Dawson awaken in their respective beds and stretch and hug their pillows and smile at the fond memory of last night's tonsil hockey match -- um, I mean, "romantic interlude." Joey apparently wears a Wonder Bra to bed. Cut to a man's naked shoulder -- looks promising, maybe someone got some last night, but no, the man rolls over and we see Dawson's dad Mitch "The Flash" Leery. Cut to Dawson's mom, Gale "Faithless Hussy" Leery, quite the morning-breath coquette in her satin Jaclyn-Smith nightie and her mussed-up ponytail with the so-called sexy tendrils hanging down, and she says "hi" and The Flash says, "Hi -- is everything okay?" and Gale says, "Mm hmm. I was just lying here, waiting," and The Flash asks, "Waiting...for what?" and Gale says, "Well...I don't have to be in until nine today, and of all the possible ways to spend a free morning" -- and she starts to swing a leg over The Flash -- "there's one idea that just kinda seems to stand out," and then she literally mounts The Flash and starts wiggling her big old child-bearing hips and trying to kiss him, and The Flash struggles weakly, and Gale says, "You can protest if you want, but resistance will only make the conquest that much sweeter," and can I ask who gave the Vicomte de Valmont a job as a dialogue editor on this show?

Gale kisses The Flash's chest as The Flash feebly reminds her that he has to shower because has a meeting or some pathetic excuse like that and Gale says, "That's okay, this act plays underwater too," and she gets about halfway to his groin with the kissing routine before Mitch gives her the whoa-Nellie, literally wrangling her off of him and saying, "Gale, Gale," and she starts to argue but The Flash gives her a look and Gale nods and says, "Shower, meeting," really grimly, and he says, "Yeah," and then we have a "heterosexual male refusing morning sex = trouble in paradise" moment of great foreboding as The Flash gets out of bed and Gale slumps back against her pillow. Fie ye, faithless hussy!

Shot of a tire going flat. Joey and Bessie "Sister Christian -- Not!" Potter get out of the truck and Bessie starts bitching about the truck and stuff always goes wrong with it, and Bessie has acquired a snazzy new soccer-mom haircut and a trim post-pregnancy figure this season, probably in order to distract us from the fact that, despite living in a town on Cape Cod, she has a Southern accent, and also her parents named her after a cow. Joey says, "Don't let it get you down," which sets off Bessie's radar and she says, "Your morning glow is highly suspicious -- how many cups of coffee did you have?" and Joey wants to know if a person "can't be in a good mood," and Bessie says, "A person can, but you? You're Miss Perma-Scowl." Ooooh, good comeback. Well, except for the good part. Then Bessie wants to know what Joey isn't telling her and Joey is doing her patented little disdainful "ecch" sound out of one side of her mouth and saying "nothing" as she gets ready to change the tire, and Bessie says, "Then what's with that LOOK," which she then describes as a "cheery yet sneaky 'I got lucky' look" and she asks where Joey was last night and Joey says "nowhere" and then guiltily she says "Dawson's" and excuse me, but they live on CAPE COD, and if last season started when they went back to school, and no time has ostensibly passed since the END of last season, that makes it November or thereabouts in Capeside, which means that Joey has NO business wearing a tank top because, well, they live on Cape Cod and it gets kind of cold. Okay, so Bessie tells Joey to "start talking" and then, speaking of "whatever," we cut to Dawson and Pacey The Monkey Boy at a beauty parlor, having a shampoo. Full-body, full-frontal WHATEVER. Pacey tells Dawson to "set the stage, I want details," and I actually want some details myself, like why these two are in a beauty salon wearing little lavender drape thingies, because I don't think we need quite that much subtext if you see what I mean, and Dawson says that "it's hard to explain...it was, in a word..." and then we cut back to Joey changing the tire and saying, "Hot. Extremely hot," (word count: three) and Bessie wants to know if it was a "peck on the cheek? Probing tongues? Fingers clawing at your neck?" Um, take it easy there, Bessie -- I don't know what kind of sex YOU'RE having, but that sounds like assault to me.

Cut back to Dawson and Pacey The Monkey Boy; Dawson says something about "no thingamajig involved" and tells PTMB to get his mind out of the gutter. Then Dawson describes the events of last night as "the sweetest, most romantic, [something I couldn't understand due to loud sounds of rinsing in the background], firework-y, waves crashing on the shore, beyond any movie I could ever imagine kiss," thus managing to hit every cliché in the book and make fun of himself at the same time, and also smiling that weird no-teeth smile that makes him look like the chick from the "Twilight Zone" movie who had no mouth. More back-and-forth cutting while Pacey and Bessie ask the Dastardly Duo if they plan to have sex, to which Joey responds by saying "don't go there." No, really -- she actually said that. Bessie asks about France. Cut back to Pacey expounding on how kisses change things, and what will Dawson do next, and as they sit in front of a big mirror with hairdressers waving scissors around the backs of their heads but not doing any actual styling because Dawson has his hair cut with a Flow-Bee as seen on TV, Pacey refers to "years of gratuitous self-examination" on Dawson's part and says, "I mean, I thought you and Joey were gonna draw out this whole will-they-won't-they drama for at least another couple years, 'cause you know, Sam and Diane didn't get together for at least four seasons and Mulder and Scully, they haven't even kissed," thus referring to the show's eventual demise, because the source of any dramatic tension got flushed down the toilet as soon as Joey and Dawson's lips touched, and we only have a short time to wait before it turns into Melrose-By-The-Sea. Anyhow. Pacey is "inspired" by this turn of events because it means that "anything can happen" and that he "can score with high-quality chicks" like the cheerleader several chairs down from them at the salon. Dawson rolls his eyes a few times. Pacey tells his stylist that he needs "a new look," which I guess is supposed to explain the blonde hair. "Frost my tips or something," he tells her, and Dawson says skeptically, "Frost your tips?" and if this passes for humor, we have a long long season ahead of us, my friends. Oh, and Pacey, meet your right hand. Right hand, meet Pacey.

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Dawson's Creek

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