Okay. Sidebar two: Admittedly, as previously said, I went to a very large school. One where you could drop whatever class you wanted to drop over the phone, up to a certain date. A very late date. But I had to drop a math class past the add/drop date once, so I needed to get the professor to sign off on my form. His reaction? "This happens all the time," and his signature. It's just a suggestion, but I think maybe Professor Wilder should try to take these things a bit less seriously. He reluctantly puts his John Hancock on Joey's form and sighs. "No matter how many times this happens -- and I lied, it happens a lot -- it still feels like getting dumped by your first girlfriend," he says. Wow, that's really creepy. "Have a nice life, Miss Potter," he guilt-trips. Yeah, this is a really rational reaction. First of all, she's dropping a class, not dropping out of school and moving all the way across the country to chase a former boyfriend, or something. Second, why do you care, you creep-show? She's a child! She's getting a C! You're married! Wilder is disgusting. He hands Joey the form, giving her The Puppy Dog Eyes Of Professors With No Sense Of Boundaries. Joey just takes the form and runs away. Is this episode going to be all about the add/drop process? Because as much as I miss college -- and there are parts of college I miss very much -- the boring minutia of administrative errands is not something I want to relive. Honestly, what's next? A non-linear and postmodern exploration of Book Buy-Back? A Rashomon-esque exploration of the pain and anguish of trying to find a parking space in front of the student union at noon on Wednesday? A real-time episode examining the horror of sleeping through a French midterm that started at noon? Okay, maybe that last one only happened to me.
So, Audrey leads Dunston to the area on campus where the campus tours originate. They're the only two people there, but Audrey reveals that she is a campus tour guide, herself, and she can give him his own private tour, and it occurs to me that this entire episode is a big shout-out to my friend Brian, who both worked at the campus radio station (like Charlie) and was a campus tour guide (like Audrey). I actually applied to be a campus tour guide myself, but the hiring committee asked me to tell them a joke and while I like to think that I'm fairly funny, I'm situationally funny rather than joke funny, and I couldn't think of a single non-dirty joke, so instead of telling them something obscene about blowjobs and rabbis or something, I told them this really very humorous story that just happened to be about the time my roommate Jen got shot with a rubber bullet by the riot police. Everyone laughed quite a bit, but, in retrospect, it was perhaps not the sort of story one ought to tell prospective students. On the other hand, the tour guide I had when I first visited UCLA told us all about a psychotic roommate who tampered with his alarm clock and caused him to miss his finals, so whatever. Nevertheless, I didn't get the job. Unlike Audrey. Who works as a tour guide, although it is just her first semester at the university. Maybe the "I'm a tour guide" story is a lie, and Audrey just wants Dunston all to herself. That is a sick-making thought, and I'm going to pretend I never had it. The two of them stand in the middle of the quad and indulge in some warm-up Joey-bashing exercises, with Dawson saying that Joey has ruined his life, and wondering if Audrey has ever asked herself how "someone so smart could be so stupid," and with Audrey laughing and reminding Dawson that she lives with Joey, and thus wonders that every single day. They laugh and laugh, and Audrey slaps a "Hello, My Name Is " sticker onto her chest and then onto Dawson's. "You can thank me for rocking your world later," she tells him as she leads him off to show him such fascinating sites as the Hugh G. Dick library. Whoops. Again, I think that was only part of my college experience. And yes, until it was recently renamed, the library at my esteemed institute of higher learning was really called the Hugh G. Dick Library. There was a plaque and everything. I always felt bad for Mr. Dick when I walked past it.