Shout out to owen, bstewart, and Sars.
So Dawson, with slightly better hair, welcomes us to the WB Wednesday. Previews. Disclaimer. Previously on Dawson's Creek. Fishcakes.
Open on a TV in the Sanctum Dawsonorum (tm Sars) showing some Jimmy Stewart movie. Pan across the Sanctum to reveal Pacey "Hedgehog Head" Witter at the desk picking at a pizza and asking Dawson "Tintin" Leery (who is sitting pyjamaed on his bed) for the crushed peppers. Dawson throws the shaker at Pacey and tells him, "you're driving me crazy." Pacey defends himself by saying he's a hungry person. Dawson counters that Pacey is "an annoying person," and not to get all Dina on him but TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, Dawson, as you take a sip of product-placed Pepsi and try to concentrate on the movie. Pacey says he's a bored person: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Dawson? Come on, it's in black and white!" Dawson answers, "It's a Frank Capra classic" like nice conventional movie tastes, Big D. Pacey says, "Buncha dead people in it. Everybody in this movie is decomposing somewhere. It's morbid! Y'know, we got this whole section at the video store; it's called 'New Releases.' You should check it out." Dawson starts to get agitated and says, "Pacey, this is a timeless tale about a man faced with his heroic nature," in a line that made no sense at all and is in fact just a bunch of significant-sounding words strung together without any logical arrangement. Dawson, you are not a failing second-year university English student at 3:00 AM the day a big paper is due. Please don't bother trying to impress Pacey, who answers, "You know, I can't really connect with the whole wholesome and morally [sic] ground; that's more your style, Dawson. Who you are," and that didn't make a lot of sense either but at least it got a bit closer than whatever blather was coming out of Dawson's sorry mouth. Dawson suspiciously asks, "Are you insulting me?" Pacey answers no: "You're an endangered species, my friend! The last of a dying breed. And this movie is killing you softly with its song." Oh, for God's sake. Okay, Kevin Williamson, we know you know a lot about pop culture. Please give us a damn break. Dawson squints at Pacey and says, "You are insulting me." Pacey insists, "No, I'm stating the obvious. You take in stray dogs, Dawson. You help old women across the street. You 'just say no.' You are Jimmy Stewart!" I have to interject here that in fact Dawson is not Jimmy Stewart anymore than was Tom Hanks, the last person erroneously identified as Jimmy Stewart's latest incarnation. Jimmy Stewart was Jimmy Stewart. Slightly naïve, apparently upstanding, soft-hearted men are not necessarily Jimmy Stewart. Enough, already. ["Jimmy Stewart was also pretty cute and a good actor, neither of which you can say about Dawson/Van Der Beek." -- Sars] Dawson asks, "What does that make you?" Pacey sends out the first invitation to his pity party and answers, "The needless waste. Born to walk in the shadows of greater men." "Somebody's having a self-esteem crisis," observes Dawson. I have never heard any straight guy refer to any of his guy friends as "somebody" in that way. The only people who do that are girls, mothers, and gay men. You know it and I know it. Pacey says, "No, no, no. On the contrary, my friend. Knowledge is power. I'm quite happy with my below-average status."
Before Dawson can give Pacey his patented "Buck Up, Little Camper" routine, Jen "Marinated Pork Chops" Lindley climbs in through the window saying, "I dropped my purse in your hedge; remind me tomorrow. [Indecipherable] in here. Hey, Pacey," all while crawling onto Dawson's bed and collapsing on it, width-wise instead of length-wise. ["Nope, nothing Freudian about that image selection...although if purse = vagina and hedge = mons pubis, I'm a little confused. Anyhow." -- Sars] Dawson gazes bemusedly at her. "Looks like you've got company," says Pacey. "Third time this week," Dawson replies. "Come here, help me out," he adds, moving toward Jen's feet and taking her boots off. Pacey says, "Once again, hero Dawson to the rescue." Dawson tells him to shut up. Pacey says, "It's not exactly the ideal situation...too bad for you." Jen starts groaning, sits up a little and says she thinks she's going to be sick. Dawson grabs a garbage pail and positions it under her face. There's a beat before she exhales loudly and says it was a false alarm, lying down again. "I don't know what to do with her; she's spiralling," says Dawson, as usual not sounding like any high school student anywhere ever has since the dawn of time. Pacey says, "Maybe you should just finish watching the movie. Jimmy Stewart would know what to do," and if the theme of this episode is that Dawson=Jimmy Stewart, I will be sick -- and I'm not even that big a Jimmy Stewart fan.