Dawson's Creek
The Unusual Suspects

Episode Report Card
Sars: C- | Grade It Now!
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Keyser Snore-ze

Do I need to make the turkey joke? No? Good. Big ups to Wing Chun and Glark, whose presence on my couch during this incomprehensibly boring episode almost made watching it bearable. Almost.

Previously on Dawson's Creek: Molly told Jack that a couple of her pee-wee soccer teammates quit the team because of Jack; Mr. Brooks chewed Dawson out, and shortly thereafter received a love letter signed "The World"; Drue ratted himself and Jen out and got them community service for The E-Tarts Incident, and then he tried to smarm on her some more but Jen had none of it; the ER recap bludgeoned Sars into submission.

Fade up on the interior of Capeside High. Twinkly, noir-ish music lifted directly from the soundtrack of Living In Oblivion takes us past an anonymous student in super-low-riding cords, an anonymous yawning teacher (can I get an "amen"?), and various other extras, and then the camera zooms up to a vest-wearing kid all Three O'Clock High-style as Vesty yells out that everyone has to come see "what they did to the swimming pool." All the other kids in the hall go running after Vesty. Whatever, kids. Get hobbies.

Cut to the swimming pool, where a crowd -- including a couple of swim-team guys in retro Speedos -- points and laughs. Joey "Paging Alberto VO5" Potter chuckles that "you don't see this every day," and Jack "Boys On The Side -- If By 'On The Side' You Mean 'Out Of The Picture Entirely'" McPhee laughs delightedly. Mitch "The Flash" Leery pushes his way through the crowd, stops, and smiles. Pan through the legs of the assembled to show the source of all the so-called merriment: a small schooner, its sail painted with "Class of 2001" and a golden retriever perched on top, floating in the pool. "What the hell is this?" a jovial Flash wants to know. "That's my boat, and my dog," snaps Principal Derek Smalls, who must have racked up some serious losses at the local OTB in order to warrant an appearance on DC. A couple of the swim-team guys splash into the pool and pull the boat to the side so that the dog can disembark, and Jack giggles some more. Enter Dawson "Dippity Don't" Leery to smile smugly and comment, "I shoulda thought of this." Joey tells him that she thinks it's out of his league. Heh. And speaking of things that people "shoulda thought of," perhaps the writers could have considered the fact that there's no door in that building big enough to permit the entrance of that boat. Or that we don't really care much either way. Right, carry on. The dog jumps down onto the pool apron; Principal Smalls calls the dog, who doesn't come, choosing instead to stand in front of Jack and bark accusingly at Jack's crotch. Insert your own "that's the most play Jack's gotten all season" joke here. As the retriever continues to point at Jack's action, Principal Smalls asks, "Do you know that dog, Mr. McPhee?" "No," Jack says uncomfortably, and stuffs his hands guiltily into his pockets. The students around Jack titter. The Flash looks stern. I dig into the bag of recently-delivered Chinese food and find a chopstick with which to jab Wing Chun in the ribs so that we have a prayer of staying awake for even part of the next forty-seven minutes.

Credits. Cat getting locked into a George Foreman grill.

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Dawson's Creek

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