Episode Report Card2 USERS: C+
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What you're reading is all della femina's fault. I read her recaps of the original Queer as Folk, and they were so good that I decided to join the rest of society in getting cable, as well as HBO and Showtime, so that I could watch Oz and the U.S. adaptation of Queer as Folk. In addition to these shows, I've been given access to such wonderful viewing options as Short Circuit 2, Police Academy 2, Sister Act 2, and Green Card. Now that's twelve dollars per month well spent, wouldn't you say? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, Showtime has been attempting to inflict Varsity Blues on me at seemingly all hours of the day. Determined to get some use out of this investment, which probably could have been better spent on gay porn considering the reasons behind it, I asked Sars if she'd like me to recap this "delightful teen drama" -- and do visualize me making the air-quote gesture with both hands there. She agreed, because she had a appointment to have her skin peeled off, dipped in pickling juice, and then sewn back on, a preferable alternative to seeing James Van Der Beek for a 120-minute stretch. Any money made from this recap will be going to a charitable fund -- the "Buy Shack Enough Tequila To Forget Beek's Atrocious Texan Accent Fund." The B.S.E.T.F.B.A.T.A.F. thanks you for your support. Varsity Blues is an MTV Production. Thanks for the warning. I'm wincing already and I haven't even seen Beek's name. The Texas state flag flies behind the opening title as we cut to postcard pastoral views of rural Texas. A narrator's voice, so smug and nasal that you can already guess this is James Van Der Beek, intones solemnly, "In America we have laws: laws against killing; laws against stealing. And it's just accepted that as a member of American society, you will live by these laws." As opposed to those heathens in European and Asian countries who all have much higher murder and theft rates than the United States. Except for the "higher" part. We pan across some stadium lights. "In Texas there's another society," Beek continues, "which has its own laws." We cut to a referee, giving all sorts of official gestures, one of which points out where the emergency exit would be if I were watching this in a theater. So, I guess I can't say I wasn't warned in advance. "Football, is a way of life," Beek says, as we cut to footage of him playing football with his friends as a kid. He introduces himself as Jonathan "Mox" Moxon, but I'm going to nip that name in the bud right here. Beek already sounds as self-important and whiny as Dawson is, and his attempt at a drawl falls several thousand miles outside of Texas, landing somewhere in the City of Our Budget Only Covers Four Hours With A Dialect Coach. For those reasons, I shall be referring to our protagonist as Drawlson.