Dawson's Creek
Varsity Blues

Episode Report Card
2 USERS: C+
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We could be heroes
So Lance tosses the ball and knocks the can off perfectly. It's Drawlson's turn. Apparently our director hasn't been studying his playbook either, because he confuses the directing techniques for "Person Being Teased" with "Person Suffering A Heart Attack Or Stroke." Everyone's voice starts to sound like it's coming from an echo chamber as they tease Drawlson and call him a chicken, etc. It's so lame. I look up the director on IMDb. Our hack is one Brian Robbins, also known for directing Good Burger. And, uh, as playing Eric on Head of the Class. So this is a director whose best years are…well…whose best years never even happened. Anyway, Drawlson responds in the most appropriate, intelligent, and mature way he knows how. He turns around and deliberately chucks the ball into his dad's face. I could have possibly accepted it as an accident if I hadn't seen Drawlson's nostril-flaring, scrunched-up cat's ass face. Oh, and he doesn't look at all sorry and stomps off, leaving the others take care of Dad's bleeding nose. Yeah, Drawlson's a big hero, all right. And by "hero," I mean that variation of the word that means "smug, self-absorbed, obnoxious, self-important, cowardly prick." Another day, another scene. We're in a sex-ed class, as evidenced by the anatomical cross-section drawing of a penis that is covering my entire television screen. I am so glad I am not seeing this in a theater. Oh, and I GET THE WHOLE DAMNED TESTOSTERONE THING, OKAY! You don't need to stick a damned penis in my face for me to get it! But if you do, you could at least give me the option to decide whose it is. Jesus, show some manners! Anyway, an attractive woman with nerdy glasses and hair up in a bun, looking like every sexy teacher in every hair-band video, ever, is giving a lecture on sex. She tells the students she wants to get past the terminology and exhorts them to say," Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina," unwittingly recapping half of John Cage's lines in the next episode of Ally McBeal. The students repeat it, recapping the other half. Today's lecture is on the male erection. So help me God, there's no way in hell I'm going to believe that a teacher is giving a lecture on erections in a Texas biology class. Okay, I did learn the biology behind erections in high school, but it was in a specialized, yearlong class focusing just on human anatomy. And even then, it was like two paragraphs of lecture material, not an entire freaking class. Anyway, Hot For Teacher uses it as an excuse to get the students to toss out slang words for erections and earnestly congratulate them, in a tone of voice similar to the one you might use to praise a kindergartner for recognizing the difference between a triangle and a circle. Billy Bob asks to go to the bathroom. He gets stuck in the desk trying to get up, in case you had forgotten that he was fat. Hot For Teacher asks if anybody else has a nickname for erections. Drawlson takes the opportunity to rattle off a whole bunch of euphemisms for the purpose of I have no freaking idea, except perhaps to make me ill considering that Drawlson spends too much time thinking about penises, which reminds me of the rumors about Beek that have been mentioned on the forums. Oh, and Drawlson looks freakishly smug for having known all those nicknames. Cree. Pee. As they say around here.

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Dawson's Creek

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