Dawson's Creek
Varsity Blues

Episode Report Card
We could be heroes
Anyhow, Billy Bob goes into the bathroom and breathes heavily and looks all pasty and not well. He splashes water all over himself. He heads back to class with his shirt all wet. Hot For Teacher asks if he's okay, and he responds affirmatively before collapsing to the floor. Cut to the nurse's office. The Lone Guitar Of Suffering For The Good Of The Game plays, and Coach Killjoy arrives to declare Billy Bill's problem to be "nerves" and promises that he'll be able to play the whole game this week. Billy is worried that he was hurt when he landed on his head in the last game, and shouldn't play. Killjoy invokes the district title and convinces Billy Blob to play. Because Killjoy is evil and cares more about a winning record than the safety of his players. Then he leaves, ostensibly to go cut the brake cables on the opposing team's bus. Cut to the next football game. Spandex and helmets fly. Bobby Bo Bobby is attached to some oxygen machine on the side. The coach sends Daddy Boy in, even though he's breathing heavily. The Dirge Of Impending Athletic Disaster begins to play. Can you telegraph what's about to happen just a little further, folks? Perhaps cut to a shot of building storm clouds, or have a black cat run across the field? So, the center snaps the ball. Sugar Bubba Bob Billy collapses to the ground, allowing two defensive linemen through to sack Lance in a particularly vicious manner. Lance goes down screaming and grabbing his knee. The music is reminiscent of what was played when the ship sank in White Squall and young people actually, you know, died. Overwrought much, folks? Bubba Bo Bob Brain wakes up, realizes what happened, and freaks out and blames himself. And in comes Drawlson, with a little over a minute left in the game and the Coyotes down by three. People in the stands and the box deride Drawlson, on the basis that he never gets any playing time. Not to defend Drawlson, but whose fault is that, exactly? Let's all give a pointed glare to Coach Bud "One Basket Is Enough To Hold All These Eggs" Kilmer. Anyway, because we've already been shown in a ridiculously contrived manner that Drawlson has a good passing game, it comes as no surprise that his first outing results in a 40-yard completion. But the clock is still ticking down. Drawlson needs to stop it by getting the ball off the field. He looks over and sees a giant green bumblebee. No, he's not on whatever they've been injecting into Lance. It's the opposing team's mascot. Coming up with the kind of mature, sportsmanlike plan (NOT!) we would expect, Drawlson calls a quick hike and hurls the ball directly into the head of the bumblebee. Okay, the guys in those mascot suits aren't exactly little pixie boys. I'd love to see the bumblebee guy run out and kick Drawlson's ass for that. Oh, and there was nothing resembling a receiver anywhere near the sidelines there. There's a rule against just deliberately tossing the ball off the field with no intended receiver. It's called "intentional grounding." You get penalized ten yards for it (thank you, football.com). Oh, and we're supposed to like Drawlson for physically assaulting innocent people, but hate Killjoy for berating them? I'm sorry, but you could give me all the money the Republicans spent to bring their own favorite idiot Texan into the Oval Office, but it still wouldn't be enough for me to buy into this crap. And where the hell is Scott Caan? Can't I at least have some eye candy?

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Dawson's Creek




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