Episode Report Card2 USERS: C+
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Gellaren't joins the party, greeting Tweeder (finally!) as she walks in. A couple of deputies wander up to bother Tweeder and make sure nobody drinks and drives. Because they don't care if under-age kids just drink. Because it's Texas and all. Tweeder compliments the deputies on their "cute Mount-me hats." Deputy: "Mount me?" Tweeder: "Not right now, but maybe after a couple of drinks." First of all, that was an incredibly lame joke. Second of all, uh, how many drinks would it take? I'm just asking. Really, it's just for the recap. The deputy gets pissed, and Tweeder apologizes and says he's going to stop drinking and go home. He starts walking off. And then he steals the deputies' car and drives off, sirens blaring. Elsewhere, Drawlson is at a convenience store attempting to purchase a cool, refreshing, product-placed bottle of Coca-Cola. Instead, the shopkeeper puts the bottle aside and pulls a six-pack of beer up from under the counter. Okay, skanky American cola or skanky (and warm) American beer? That's a tough call. Me, I'm a Pepper, if there are any convenience-store clerks out there looking to reward me for all my hard work on this recap. Oh, and I'll take that bottle of tequila, too. Slow-on-the-uptake Drawlson asks how much the beer is, but the clerk says, "Your money's no good here." Much to my surprise, Drawlson accepts the gift and leaves with the beer. I half expected some sort of "you only like me because I'm the starting quarterback now" snit fit, but no. Not that I'm complaining. Drawlson wanders down the street, past storefronts covered with coyote logos and slogans painted on the windows, as he drinks a beer, all alone and looking sad, because nobody understands the little smarty-pants quarterback. Awwww. Here, have some fat-free frozen yogurt, because I care exactly that much. He sits on a curb and hides his beer as a police car, sirens blaring, roars down the street and stops right in front of him. It's Tweeder, of course, who declares through the car's loudspeaker, "Jonathon Moxon, you are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue." I think this is an actual law in Texas, part of a package of laws Dubya pushed through because they reminded him of his college days. Some of the other laws require you to drink yourself unconscious at least once each weekend and give atomic wedgies to any nerds, geeks, or foreign exchange students you come across. Tweeder is, indeed, naked in the car with three girls (also naked). Tweeder gets out of the car, using his cowboy hat to cover his goods. He tells Drawlson they've got handcuffs and all sorts of toys to play with, and to take off his clothes and get into the car. I don't want to jump ahead too quickly, but I can sense that you're about to vomit, claw your eyes out, take your own life, or something like that, so let me just say, HE DOESN'T TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF. Thank you, Lord. And I mean that. Anyway, back to the scene at hand. Some bimbo leans out of the police car window and tells Drawlson, "Tweeder threw my clothes out the window. Will you come and keep me warm?" Drawlson declines, but walks over to give her his varsity jacket. How sweet. I bet Jules will be mightily pissed when she sees the girl wearing it to school on Monday. There's extended Caan ass-age in this scene, which almost makes it worthwhile. God, the boy's got a bod. Anyway, Tweeder drives off with the girls.