Dawson's Creek
Varsity Blues

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2 USERS: C+
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We could be heroes
Cut to Killjoy's trophy-filled office. He calls in Billy Bob and proceeds to chew him up, spit him out, and call in the dogs to feed on the entrails. He calls him fat and lazy and blames him for Lance's broken leg. Bobby Boy blames his head injury, but Killjoy doesn't care and tells him to "fix it." Then he kicks him out. Okay, so Gellaren't strides across the parking lot, wearing a mini-skirt that says "Beat 'em" on her left butt-cheek in a white patch shaped like a heart. I don't think I even need to make fun of that. Okay, she's a slut. Okay. I will accept that characterization. Now, could you please. Put. It. Away. So she strides up to Drawlson and asks him when he's coming over. He's confused. She says, "It's half-price night at the gun club. My parents never get home until twelve." Gun club? Are there any more Texas stereotypes we can toss in here? I haven't seen any oil pumps yet. Or line dancing. Or rodeos. Drawlson tries to bring up Lance, but Gellaren't won't hear of it. She tells him to come by any time after seven. Drawlson goes to some convenience store. He lies to himself, "Why be good? I'm always good. Where's my up side to being good?" You wouldn't know because you aren't, you whiny little bag of snob. He picks up a box of condoms and considers the possibility of boffing Gellaren't. Then he sees his little brother in the next aisle. His little brother is in a little suit with a little bow tie and glasses. He's gone from Jesus Jr. to Farrakhan Jr. Yes, that's right, he's now in the Nation of Islam. This is so not funny. It will take seven million light years for the spaceship that this joke is on to reach the galaxy that is the home of Planet Funny. Drawlson asks Farrakhan Jr. if Allah would boff Gellaren't, given the opportunity. A fuel cell goes out on the spaceship. The trip will now take eight million years. Farrakhan Jr. scratches his head in thought; then we cut to the counter, where the boy is buying the condoms for Drawlson. The spaceship is sucked into a black hole and will never, ever reach Planet Funny. Drawlson shows up at the Gellaren't home. Blah blah blah flirtcakes. Gellaren't offers to make them sundaes. Drawlson agrees. She putters around in the kitchen while Drawlson looks at pictures of her and Lance in a display cupboard, next to a zillion rifles. Then she comes out of the kitchen, naked, except for whipped cream over her breasts and crotch (and two strategically positioned cherries). All this does for me is make me wonder about all those horrible urban legends of nasty things that happen to women who put food in or near their naughty places. I wouldn't know the veracity of such stories, as Women's Naughty Parts is not a planet on the destination log for Spaceship Shack. She calls Drawlson over, and they start making out. Then Drawlson wimps out. He says he doesn't love her. She says it's not about love, it's about not ending up a manager at Wal-Mart. She's not looking for a meal ticket; she's looking for a bus ticket. Drawlson assures her that she'll get out on her own merits. I bet if she pulled this stunt on the highway, somebody would take her wherever she wanted to go. Anyway, that actually wasn't a bad scene there at the end. Okay, Drawlson did the right thing once. Don't worry, I'm not getting soft.

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Dawson's Creek

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