Episode Report Card1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Football practice. Drawlson is there, despite telling his dad he was quitting, because he has no balls. Killjoy pulls Drawlson aside after practice and gives him a very reasonable explanation as to why he prefers a running game to a passing game. Gah, he's a menace! Blow his head off, Drawlson! Drawlson looks at Killjoy like he's dog crap stuck to the bottom of his cleats. Because he knows so much more about football, what with all his championships and the field time he's had. Oh, actually, he doesn't know a damned thing. God, I wish Killjoy was one of those coaches who uses corporal punishment. Of course, since Killjoy is being normal here, it's time to drift over into crazyland so we'll all come back to Drawlson's side. Killjoy threatens to screw with Drawlson's transcripts and ruin his scholarship if he doesn't follow orders. Drawlson glares (sans nostril-flaring, fortunately) and stalks off. Drawlson goes to Jules's house and apologizes. He tells her he got into Brown, and she congratulates him. He tells her about Killjoy's threat. Jules, being all reasonable, points out that it's just a football game. Obviously she has not been picking up on any of the non-subtext about masculinity and independence that the movie's been hurling at us, causing horrible flashbacks to elementary-school dodgeball games. Maybe that's just me. Drawlson says, "If it was just football, I'd play. I love football -- when it's pure. But this…this isn't pure." Oh, it's pure, all right. Pure nonsense. What the hell is pure football? Is that football with no coaches, where the quarterback just does whatever he feels like? Like tossing balls at people's heads? Dude, football is not a forum for personal expression. There are all sorts of problems with the way team sports are handled in this country, some of which are even addressed in this movie. But the fact that the players don't have whatever definition of freedom and independence Drawlson is bitching about is not one of them. If you want to express yourself, get a hobby. Learn to paint. Buy a damned loom. Macramé a ladder and use it to get over yourself. In other words, suck it up, Steve Largehead. GOD. Oh, but he's still talking: "If I play for Kilmer tomorrow and we win, he wins. Everyone in West Canaan will go on believing he's the best coach that ever lived. What about the next team he coaches? And the one after that? What if my little brother ends up playing for him?" I'm sure your little brother will probably have killed himself in a mass ritual before that, so don't worry. "I would be buying into everything that's wrong with this town." Oh, take it down a notch, Howie Wrong. Yeah, I'm sure that if they stopped worshipping football, their economy would boom, a thriving fine-arts community would blossom, everybody would be given a free college education, and West Canaan would become the next Austin. God, I don't even like football all that much, but Drawlson is turning me into Hank freakin' Hill. Jules says, "You want some cheese with that whine?" Oh, thank you, Jules. "Why don't you step up and play the hero?" Oh, I take that back. Don't encourage him!