Episode Report Card2 USERS: C+
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Drawlson gives a speech to the players, telling them to forget what the coach said earlier about the results of this game affecting the rest of their lives. He tells them to play for the now. He tells them, honestly, a lot of the same things that Killjoy does about not showing any fear. He concludes, "Let's go out and be heroes." They all cheer him. Whatever. I'm so tired. Do you want to be worshipped or not, you twit? So they run out for the second half, with Lance serving as coach. Oh look, Lance is calling that play that I said I wasn't going to bother to remember. Thank you, Big Book Of Sports Movie Clichés. And they switch to a no-huddle passing game with five receivers. Do you have to ask whether this works or not? Haven't you been paying attention? Of course it does. They get a touchdown. Wrongs righted: two, leaving Billy Bob's redemption still to go. The coyotes are still down by three with 38 seconds left. The opposing team is about to punt the ball, and Billy Bob wants to play defense and block it. So Lance puts him in. Do you think they'll block the punt? Because, you know, punts really aren't blocked all that often. Well, I bet you can answer that question. Of course they do. Daddy Bob clears a path to the kicker, and Tweeder blocks the punt. But the clock is still running. The camera lands on the opposing team's mascot, a cowboy on horseback. Can you guess what happens next? If you said, "He throws the ball at the cowboy's head," you're right (mostly -- he actually hits him in the back). Hey, you could write these movies. And of course, the guy doesn't come out and trample Drawlson to death with his horse. There is no justice. I bet you can guess what the next play is going to be, too. It's their last play, and there's one wrong left for them to make right. Yes, that's right, they're going to run the play where the throw the ball to Billy Bob. Everybody cheers and prays. Now let's guess what the director is going to do. If you thought to yourself, "Show the play in slow motion, with John Williams's non-union equivalent scoring it all with some mawkish, string-heavy nonsense with a trumpet solo," then you, too, can be a hack director. I'm not even going to ask you if you thought the play would succeed, because I know you too well. Yes, it succeeds. Coyotes win. Drawlson is carried off the field. Jules greets him, and they mack. And then he turns all narrator again: "And for some of us, it ended without us knowing. Maybe these were the last days. I never played football again. But I'll never forget that day." Anyway, Lance goes on to become a football coach, Drawlson goes on to graduate from Brown University, Wendell got into some college I couldn't make out no matter how much I rewound, and Killjoy never coached again. Drawlson doesn't explain Billy Bob and Tweeder's long-term future. I'll extrapolate that Billy Bob died of heart failure, and that Tweeder was killed in an embarrassing drunken stunt involving a car battery, an adult diaper, and a gallon of olive oil, which got him a posthumous Darwin Award. Drawlson concludes, "The day was ours, and nobody can ever take it away." And nobody can take away the entire week I spent going over this film for this recap. No matter how many painkillers they offer, it will always haunt my dreams.