Episode Report Card1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
In the kitchen, the cast credits roll as Drawlson's dad reads the paper (just the fact that Lance Harbor continues to exist is enough for his name to be splashed across the top of the sports page) and asks Drawlson if he prayed for playing time in the game. Drawlson jokes about having an eleven-year-old Jesus in his room. Dad gripes at Jesus Jr. because his religious fervor may distract Drawlson from the game. Drawlson says, "He's just experimenting." Yeah, that's how it starts, you know -- you just get a little tipsy and start flirting with a few proverbs. Next thing you know you're selling your blood to buy Jerry Falwell sermons on tape and robbing convenience stores to pay for sterling silver "WWJD" bracelets. Finally, they find you sleeping the gutter, muttering The Lord's Prayer and offering to give blowjobs for Virgin Mary nightlights. Understandably, Dad wants to nip all this in the bud. Drawlson walks out to catch his ride while Jesus Jr. unamusingly tries to eat breakfast while still attached to the cross. Waiting for Drawlson is Billy "Sugar Daddy" Bob in his pickup truck and cowboy hat. He hollers, "Hey, Mox, you skinny-ass bitch, let's roll!" This is funny because Billy Bob is fat. Okay, we all know it's not even remotely funny. I'm just trying to guess why the writers thought this was funny. Billy Bubba starts to drive off as Drawlson races after the truck. Oh, and there's a live pig sitting next to Billy Bob in the front seat. Is there even any point in making fun of the pig? Should I instead make fun of the writer, a Mr. W. Peter Iliff, for his crappy, stereotypical portrayal of Southern rurals? Well, what should we expect from the writer of Point Break and Prayer of the Rollerboys? According to the IMDb, there's also an uncredited writer, John Gatins, who has lent a hand on movies like Leprechaun 3, Pumpkinhead II, and, uh, Gods and Monsters. Anyway, we also catch a glimpse of a cute African-American guy riding in the truck bed. Drawlson catches up to the truck and jumps into the passenger side, next to the pig. The pig is understandably upset at having to sit next to somebody who clearly puts a ton of lard on his head every morning. Drawlson pushes the pig, named Bacon, back into the truck bed with the other guy (named Wendell), who complains and threatens to toss the pig out into the street. Daddy Bob says, "I love that dog," and Drawlson reminds him that Bacon's a pig. Oh, Bubba Bob has pancakes in the truck with him, which he is smearing in a jar of peanut butter and eating, followed by a shotgun of pancake syrup directly out of the bottle. I'm so very tired already, and we're still in the credits, people! I just can't wait for Scott Caan's ass. Save us, Scott's ass!