Dawson's Creek
Varsity Blues

Episode Report Card
We could be heroes
But no, we have to stop at Lance "Brian Hickolo" Harbor's house first, where there's a freakin' billboard outside, featuring an ten-foot-tall artist's rendition of Lance pulling his arm back to toss a long bomb. I take that as a meta-comment about the release of this film. "Beef, It's What's for Dinner" music plays as Lance confidently strides out of his house to survey his kingdom. Billy Boy runs up to take Lance's sports bag, lest the weight strain his rotator cuff or something. Lance exclaims, "I love you, brother!" as he hugs Bubba Daddy. "I had the most wonderful dream last night!" I think the star quarterback is a big stoner. For some reason, Lance rides in the bed with Wendell and Bacon. What, we're not concerned that the vibrating truck bed might throw out his vertebrae? Well, the hell with that -- the Rock Guitar of Wacky Rebellion plays as Charlie "Johnny Unitass" Tweeder rushs out of his house to the truck. He flips into the truck, takes off his hat, grabs the light bar on the top of the truck, and hollers and waves his hat like he's riding a bucking bronco. "Good mooning, boys, good mooning," Tweeder says, as he drops his pants and sticks his naked ass through the window to the cab. Maybe they kept showing this movie as viewer preparation for Queer as Folk? Tweeder has a tattoo of a howling coyote on one butt cheek. I rewound and paused repeatedly just to make sure. It has nothing to do with the fact that I think that Scott Caan is a hottie. Really. I'm just doing my job. I swear. Where were we? Oh yeah, Scott Caan's hot ass. Mmmm…anyway, Tweeder sticks his head through the window (no, not that head, because this isn't Queer as Folk) and tosses out a bunch of ass-related puns to ask Billy Bo Bob about some Mary Ann chick that he thinks is hot. "She's got this look, like she fell out of the 'I wanna suck your dick' tree and hit every branch on the way down," Tweeder says. Okay, note the subtlety with which the writer defined Tweeder as a guy that will say or do anything in just the space of a few seconds? Oops, I left the "Not!" out of that last sentence. I'll ask Sars to edit it in. ["No need, my boy." -- Sars] Drawlson tells Tweeder to calm down and focus. Tweeder shouts, "I can't focus; I need to get some ass!" I shouted something back at the television, but I'm ashamed to say what it was. Green Day sings us out of the credits. The things we do to stay in MTV's good graces, eh Billy Joe? The boys drive through downtown, where game banners are being unfurled, and arrive at school. Crowds of kids surround them, in case we have forgotten again (perhaps stunned by the beauty of Scott Caan's ass) that West Canaan worships football. (Humorous sidebar: My real first name is also Scott, so every time I mention Scott Caan's ass, Word wants to plug in my full name instead. Rest assured, my ass appears nowhere in this movie. And probably not in this recap either, unless I can get some of that aforementioned tequila.) The school's mascot is a coyote, so we know Tweeder's got some school spirit. You just know that after he graduates, he's going to join those men who just cannot let go of their high-school glory days and are terribly pathetic. And we'll get to those men in just a bit if you keep up with me.

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Dawson's Creek




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